


Kakashi and the Accidental Reality Rewrite

by Foodmoon



Series: Oddball fics [17]
Category: Naruto
Genre: A Ne has a gory death, Crack, Disturbing conversations, Except that canonical line of priestesses in the Land of Demons, Gen, Kakashi is a troll, Mentions of underage sex trafficking, Mostly animal ears, No actual seers, No attempt to maintain timeline on Kakashi's part, People with animal characteristics, Ratings and tags may change, Reality rewrites, So is Poemu on occasion., implied rape of a minor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2019-07-29 09:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16261412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: Wherein the author pushes Canon off of the lip of Crack Canyon and watches in mild interest as it goes down flailing and screaming and lands with a messy, messy splat. Then smiles slowly. And giggles disturbingly.OrKaguya defends herself from the seal, shattering reality and time, and reality rewrites itself in self-defense. Kakashi finds himself in his four year old body with his dad still alive and is disturbed by the dog ears and fluffy tail.





	1. Reality Breaks and Reformats; Kakashi Freaks a Little

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My excuse is sleep deprivation and being a bit ill.
> 
> ~  
>  _Gotta put this bit here, cuz the end notes got too long._  
>  So, yeah, when Kaguya defended herself from the seal, the collusion of power was so great that reality snapped back on itself and rewrote the timeline with a couple key differences.

It was unintentional.

Naruto and Sasuke hit Kaguya together, with their hands glowing with the Sage of Six Paths’ chakra and… _the world exploded and…_

Kakashi wakes up in his four year old body instead of his scarred and battered adult body. Maybe he hyperventilates a little as he tries to accept this…this _time travel hell._ He knows it isn’t a genjutsu. Even Kaguya wouldn’t think to replicate smells so perfectly that senses as sharp as his couldn’t tell them apart from reality. No. And he remembers being this age, so small and weak and enthusiastic.

_He does not feel enthusiastic._

Remembers his father being alive and… _Wait_. If his father is still alive… _he refuses_ to live through the aftermath of his father’s suicide _again._ He barely made it through the first time. This time he’s far more broken and fragile. He just… _can’t_.

Unfortunately, that leaves him with the options of either stopping Danzo before the mission occurs, or finding a way to get correct information to his father prior to the mission. The first is preferable, of course, but he’s _only four_.

With a sigh, he scrubs his hands through his hair, then promptly yanks them out as the motion sends shivers down his spine at the sensation of carelessly touching his ears. _Ears!? What!?_ No, this never- He feels his head gingerly, finds his human ears where he expects them, but… _why the hell does he have a pair of fuzzy animal ears poking through his untamable mop of hair!?_

The mirror, _traitor thing_ , confirms his conclusion. Furry canine ears that match his hair poke almost invisibly through the wild strands. Not only that, though. His _eyes_ are different. Not the grey-black he remembers clearly from a lifetime of checking his wounds in a mirror. No. These are different. One eye is red, the other a husky-blue.

 _Worse_ , he has a _tail._ Which he hadn’t noticed until he accidentally slapped his leg with it and scared himself silly for a moment.

He pries himself off the lip of the sink and drops down to stand on the floor again, fighting down hysterical laughing sobs.

“Kakashi?” Sakumo comes in, giving him a concerned look.

 _Kami!_ When time screwed him over, couldn’t it at least have had the decency to let him arrive when his father wasn’t home, so he had a chance to get ahold of himself in private?

 _Whatever._ He can work with this.

He lets himself burst into tears and throws himself at his father. “Tou-san! I dreamed that you died! Don’t _diiiie! Wahhh!”_

Sakumo looks disconcerted at his outburst, but Kakashi clings to his shirt, grip almost painfully tight with his… _fuck, his hands are tiny at this age._ And proceeds to sob out his incipient hysteria onto his father’s jounin vest, making sure to wipe his nose on it when the distress finally recedes to more bearable levels.

Nothing wrong with letting his father know that he’s terrified of him dying again, after all. Hopefully it will make things easier in the coming years. Besides, he _is only four_ and suppressing an unexplained fit of hysterics in an adult manner would be far more suspicious than a kid freaking out over a bad dream, even a smart, relatively mature kid.

Sakumo sighs and rubs his back soothingly. “Kakashi, what’s this about, really? You’ve had bad dreams before but you haven’t freaked out this bad since you were two and realized that your upper ears and tail were real. I _still_ don’t know why that would upset you.”

 _He had!?_ Oh, he had. Apparently he’s ‘always had’ his older self’s memories and simply been too young to fully integrate his older personality and memories properly. That’s…huh. That’s kind of fascinating, really. But his father is still waiting for an answer.

And he has _no idea_ how a child would phrase it. Maybe it’s best to be blunt for once. “I dreamed you failed a mission and everyone hated you so you killed yourself and I found your body. You can’t kill yourself, tou-san! You can’t! You have to pr-promise!”

Sakumo pales and narrows his blue, blue… _Why are his father’s eyes blue? That’s just…so weird. Almost weirder than the pale, pointed furry ears poking through his pale hair._ “Kakashi? Do you…?”

“Tou-san?” Kakashi looks at him in puzzlement.

He shakes his head. “No. Never mind. I promise I won’t kill myself, okay, Kakashi?”

Relief roils through him, even though he _knows_ that Sakumo might break the promise in the future if he can’t avert it. He nods jerkily, even as he wonders what his father was going to say. There’s a distinct feeling that he may be missing something important here. “Okay.”

~

The second set of ears and the tail aren’t as bad as he expected. He’s already adapted to using them, prior to remembering in full, particularly the ears with their second set of input. The tail is a bit trickier and sometimes does its own thing still.

Being a child, however…. _that sucks_. Uchiha massacre level of suck. Kyuubi loose on Konoha level of suck. Not quite Fourth Ninja War or Kaguya Returns level of suck, though. Fortunately.

Not only was being treated like a child bad enough _the first time around_ , he has to adapt to a much smaller and weaker body, with less reach, less chakra, and _worst of all_ less coordination. It takes months to get his aim close to back up to par. Despite that, though, he’s so far beyond his own age-mates skill level that it’s not even funny. Okay, it’s a little funny. Having to hold back 3/4ths of his power just so he doesn’t hurt anyone his size or smaller, and still being easily on par with his most advanced classmates.

Academy was barely interesting the first time around. Now it’s so far below his knowledge level that the only classes he doesn’t sleep through are taijutsu and history. The latter only because there _are_ some differences from the history he remembers. Mostly minor, but at least new information. The former because the teacher keeps waking him up for spars with the other kids at least once during each class session.

There’s rumors going around that he’s part Nara, which is largely unfair to the Nara clan, considering it’s mostly their genius heir Shikaku who droops around as if life is a hassle. Sakumo worries about his transparent disinterest in school, but he aces every test with barely any effort. The teachers want to move him up. Sakumo objects, which surprises Kakashi a little, but he really doesn’t mind since he’s only going to sleep through the other classes even if they _did_ move him up.

He values his questionable sanity after all, and inattentive 4-6 year olds and exasperated teachers are not conducive to maintaining it.

~

And then… _for some inexplicable reason_ …Danzo decides to introduce himself to Kakashi’s life.

He doesn’t remember this happening the first time around. Then again, he’s not sure it would’ve left enough impression on him to remember if it had.

“Sakumo.”

“Lord Danzo.” Sakumo smiles and explains to his son, “Kakashi, this is Lord Councilor Danzo Shimura. Lord Danzo, this is my son Kakashi.”

He knows his father means well, but… Kakashi watches the man warily.

“Ah, young Kakashi. You’re the bright youngster who finds Academy so easy he sleeps through classes, correct?”

 _Over his dead body_ is Danzo getting any influence on his life! He _snarls_ at the man and hides behind his father’s leg, glowering at the traitorous sneak. Privately, he marvels at how _canine_ his snarl had sounded, threatening despite being high pitched and almost squeaky with childhood.

“Kakashi?” Sakumo peers down at him in surprise.

He…has no viable excuse for his reaction, he realizes. No way to not be thought simply a highly imaginative kid with uncertain sanity if he tells the truth. Resorting to being petty instead, he says in a sulky tone, “He smells like incurable rot. I don’t want to talk to him.”

“I see.”

There is something in Sakumo’s tone that makes his upper ears twitch towards him in curiosity, but Kakashi keeps his hostile gaze on the danger in front of them. There’s much he doesn’t know of Danzo’s machinations, too many records were destroyed, but he knows enough. _Warmonger_. Responsible for giving Sakumo a mission with bad information, responsible for the Third War _deliberately_ , if what he’d pieced together in the future had been correct. Behind the systematic slaughter of the Uchihas. Responsible for murdering one of the original Akatsuki and shifting their goal of peace to something twisted and wrong that was willing to sacrifice everyone to bring an illusion of peace. Suspected of leaking an S rank secret and ensuring Naruto’s isolation. _Bloodline thief. Traitor._

“If you’ll excuse us, Lord Danzo, we are on our way to the market.”

Faint puzzlement crosses Danzo’s face and Kakashi realizes in surprise that Sakumo hasn’t bothered to apologize for Kakashi’s insult.

“Ah, of course, Sakumo.”

To his further surprise, as soon as they’re out of sight, Sakumo picks him up and shunshins directly to the Hokage’s office.

“Sakumo? What brings you here?”

“Lord Third. Are you aware of what pops up in the Hatake line now and then?”

The Sandaime’s eyes narrow and he picks up his pipe. “I am.”

_Now he **knows** that he’s missing something important._

“Kakashi, repeat what you said about Lord Danzo.”

 _What?_ “I don’t want to talk to him?” he repeats uncertainly.

“No, the other part.”

 _Oh._ “He smells like incurable rot.”

“I see.” The Sandaime looks old suddenly. “Sakumo-”

“You know the consequences. On your own head be it. And I will not be taking missions until it’s taken care of.”

Kakashi looks between them in bafflement.

Hiruzen sighs. “That is your right, Sakumo.”

_Definitely. Missing. Something._

His father inclines his head, then shunshins away and they go shopping. He never does get an explanation, but at least he gets extra eggplant over the next few meals, so he decides to try not to worry about it. Much, at least. Something’s changed. Something that’s probably his fault. But he doesn’t know what or why. It’s a little unnerving to be frank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This is the rest of the beginning notes paragraph, so you can reread that if starting here doesn't make sense to you._
> 
> The most visible of which, of course, is that humans have a second pair of ears and some of the shinobi families have other traits that go with it as well. Other than that, things up to this point are basically canon standard, despite minor differences in history (or at least minor to the main storyline). The _other_ thing that happened is that Kakashi was thrown back in time with his memories and experiences intact. And _only_ Kakashi. The reason? He’s not of Kaguya’s bloodline, doesn’t _have_ Obito’s sharingan anymore but _did have it_ , and it was a _willing gift_ so it more or less left an _imprint_ on his lightning based chakra that reality was able to _‘store’_ because lightning is basically high voltage energy.
> 
> So he hasn’t timeline jumped or _‘replaced’_ a younger version of himself. He’s _‘always been’_ himself with his older, future memories, and he didn’t precisely _‘remember’_ so much as _‘this is where he arrived when the reality rewrote’,_ so he was _‘aware but not aware’_ prior to that and once he calms down he’ll realize that, but in the meantime his last _‘memory’_ prior to nigh instantaneous rewrite of reality was rather traumatic and he _‘remembers’_ a lifetime without the second set of ears, a lifetime that went much like canon in all the worst ways and plus a few.
> 
> He just happened to be unlucky enough to be the only one close enough to the epicenter of the rewrite to _‘meet’_ the conditions for it to happen. _(Though frankly, he’s quite possibly the only one alive who **could** meet them.)_
> 
>  _Why_ did the reality bother to _‘store’_ his memories at all? It reformatted to avoid being entirely destroyed, kaput. And in such a manner as to avoid having to do it again, if possible. Kakashi’s memories and sharingan are important to avoiding a repeat. Reality isn’t precisely ‘aware’, more like an AI computer system that has no opinion but still takes emergency actions to prevent total system crash. It basically designated Kakashi as a living debugger.
> 
> Why husky-based? Simple. It was the next thing I thought of after wolf, which I decided was a bit cliché for the Hatakes. I had a few second thoughts but ultimately, the heterochromia was the deciding factor to stick with huskies as a loose basis. Humans having animal ears is like…a minor ‘glitch’ during the hurried ‘rewrite’ of reality. It serves no specific purpose other than entertaining me.
> 
> So the one red eye, one blue? He’s _‘always’_ had those. His eye didn’t suddenly turn red. The Hatake line ‘features’ are _loosely_ based on huskies. Blue eyes are common in huskies, but so are brown, or heterochromia. Given that it’s Naruto-world, red would be a perfectly viable variant of brown and not indicate any sort of albinism. The Hatake line trends towards blue with the occasional heterochromia or other eye coloration. So no one thinks twice about him having one red eye. However, if reality had rewritten without _‘storing’_ his memories and the sharingan _imprint_ he would have been born with two blue eyes.
> 
> Does he have the Sharingan? _Yesss_. He even has the Mangekyo still. Since he doesn’t have the bloodline, he doesn’t have the Curse of Hatred, but since he’s _‘always’_ had it, it’s adapted to his system to cost far less in the way of chakra drain. Less than it would for an actual Uchiha, thus his eye will act like an Eternal Mangekyo and there’s no risk of blinding himself with use. As a tradeoff, though, there’s several mangekyo techniques that his eye simply does not have. Such as Izanagi. Basically the rewrite ‘adapted’ the _impression_ of Obito’s sharingan to suit Kakashi’s personality and tactics, and ‘severe chakra drain’ was the biggest thing to adjust thus overrode any other considerations that might have contradicted it. Izanagi and Izanami would destroy his eye, thus are contradictory to its preservation by way of lower chakra cost, so he simply doesn’t have those techniques. Of course, it will take him time to discover he _has the Sharingan_ since it is something he simply does not expect and this one isn’t a constant drain or unable to deactivate, unlike the original. Which, take note, he actually did _not_ still have at the time of the rewrite.


	2. Night Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is targeted. He also learns the horrors of nosy substitute teachers and fangirls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, I thought this was going to be short and had other stuff planned for this chapter. My brain kind of summarized the whole thing in about three sketchy paragraphs. Writing it came out significantly longer.
> 
> First scene has a bit of gore in it.

Kakashi honestly has no idea _why_ his father has chosen to stay home, other than that it has something to do with him and Sakumo obviously has no intention of sharing what that something _is_ with him, but he does enjoy the extra time spent with him and the extra attention. (Even if they _do_ end up spending an inordinate amount of time socializing with other prominent clans.)

After all, he _still_ doesn’t know if there’s a chance of changing the future so that his father doesn’t die, despite the promise he extracted from him. He’s been a member of Team 7, a bodyguard, an ANBU captain, a jounin sensei to Team 7. He knows _exactly_ how many things could possibly go wrong, and how many of them he’s unlikely to see coming at all. As a four year old, there’s only so much he can do, and one of the things he _can_ do is hoard the extra time with Sakumo, time that he _remembers_ being eaten up by various missions.

That is…he has no idea _until Danzo’s Ne ANBU decide to come after him in the middle of the night_.

The only reasons he survives is because his chakra coils are twice the size they should be for his age, his abilities have been severely underreported by the Academy because he’s saved his real practice for away from prying eyes, and he’s long since learned to recognize the nigh undetectable Ne signatures. Still, he _is_ only four, and despite those advantages, he’s not going to last much longer unless something changes, like-

The door crashes open and Sakumo is there, wielding his famed tanto, covered in blood, with his snarling summons leaping forward to engage two of the opponents.

-like that. _Yes_.

Kakashi ducks under the third’s blow and flips away, giving his father a clear opening at the startled Ne. The three Ne are no match for The White Fang of Konoha and his wolfdog summons. There’s a _reason_ that Sakumo is so famous. _Had they underestimated him that badly? Or had something alerted Sakumo in time to be prepared?_

No time to worry about it. A quick assessment has him quickly coming to Miyu’s aid, knowing Miwa can handle herself for a bit. Unlike his own future summons, Sakumo’s are trained for direct combat as well as tracking, but even they are only nin-dogs, at a disadvantage against skilled ninja if they can’t finish the fight very quickly.

Him switching tactics from mainly dodging and defending to actively attacking is enough to throw the Ne off for long enough for Miyu to rip out their throat.

Miyu spits out the chunk of flesh and bone, and gives him a brief look. “We’ll talk about this later, pup.”

Then she calmly leaps to Miwa’s aid even as Sakumo finishes his own opponent. Kakashi sighs and pins the dying Ne’s hand to the floor with a dropped kunai from earlier, preventing them from throwing one last jutsu after Miyu. _Odd, since they were after him._ Then he curses and jumps away as the Ne’s death precipitates the body exploding. _Okay, that explains why that last jutsu was aimed at Miyu._ The Ne must have assumed that Kakashi remaining close would be enough to catch him with the explosion. _And it would have_ …if Kakashi hadn’t had decades of recognizing such traps. _It almost had anyways_.

It’s a little disturbing that the only thing left recognizable of the corpse is the teeth in the window frame and two lone fingers pinned to the floor with the kunai Kakashi had used just a moment ago, but he’s seen far worse. More disturbing is that Miwa’s been hit with a large shard of bone and is bleeding heavily. Only Sakumo stepping in keeps her from dying as her foe promptly takes advantage of the sudden weakness.

He doesn’t bother stepping into that fight. Miyu and his father have it well-handled. Instead, when Sakumo turns around a moment later, it’s to find Kakashi crouched over Miwa, a bone shard discarded on the floor, tiny hands glowing green, a scowl on his face as he concentrates _hard_ to focus his still-somewhat-unruly chakra into medical precision and keep the wolfdog from bleeding out.

“Kakashi?”

“She needs a medic. I’m not very good at this.” Kakashi admits.

It startles a bark of laughter from Sakumo. “Well, you’re better at it than I am. That’s _very_ impressive for your age.”

 _Oh, fuck. He’s right_. But it’s not as if he could stand aside and let the dog die. He lets the green chakra die away and sits back, exhausted. “I stopped the worst bleeding, but I can’t stop the rest.”

“It’s alright. I’ll take her now. Miyu, take Kakashi to the Nara in case more come. Good job, son.” Sakumo says, lifting Miwa into his arms.

_Oh, this is why his father had spent that time with other clans. He’d been building alliances. But why? How had he known he needed to?_

Kakashi blinks hazily at and after him until Miyu nudges him to his feet. “Get on my back, pup. You’re too tired to be fast enough for this. Your father may be taking this at face value, but don’t think you _won’t_ be explaining this to me later. Even with your father’s training, you should _not_ be able to have those skills yet.”

He doesn’t bother arguing, just drags himself onto her back and grips tightly. His father probably won’t let it lie, unfortunately, and he knows he won’t be able to convince Miyu to let it alone, even if Miwa likely will.

~

The Nara on sentry duty takes one look at their battle stained appearance and waves them through without a word.

Sixteen year old Shikaku opens the door at the main house, blinks and then sighs.  
  
“Troublesome. Come in.”

Shikagan Nara, Clan head, looks up from a shogi game in progress when they enter, eyes sharpening.  
  
“Sakumo?”

“Nothing serious.” Miyu replies. “He took Miwa to the hospital after the pup kept her from bleeding out.”

The man gives Kakashi a long look that would make him uneasy coming from a Nara if he wasn’t halfway to passing out. “So, Sakumo was right. I was rather hoping he wasn’t, but I can’t say that I’m surprised. Amara!”

There’s a faint groan from upstairs and then shuffling footsteps on the stairs before a dark haired woman with sleepy purple eyes comes into view, wrapped in a night robe, and asks in a disgruntled tone, “What now?”

“Chibi Hatake needs a shower and a change of clothes.” Shikagan explains, faint amusement in his tone, gesturing to Kakashi.

“Oh dear.” Sleep flees the purple eyes and a moment later, Kakashi is being scooped up from Miyu’s back and carried upstairs.

He only lasts to about halfway up the stairs before sleep catches him, waking with a yelp as water hits his skin and managing to hold a sitting position as Amara scrubs him down efficiently, then nodding off again seconds after she wraps him in a towel. It’s not _quite_ chakra exhaustion, but it’s uncomfortably close to the all too familiar sensation, and he knows better than to fight it at this age and risk permanent damage to his growing coils.

~

_Downstairs, in the meantime…_

“How many?” Shikagan inquires.

Miyu hunkers down to rest. “Eight. Three went after the pup. Somehow he sensed them and concealed his chakra for a moment, which woke Sakumo in time to fight off the five that went after him and summon us. Somehow the pup managed to survive until we got there, then helped me take down one. That one was trapped and exploded after death, which is when Miwa got hurt. I don’t know how the pup managed to get out of range.”

“You said he then kept your sister from bleeding out?” Shikaku asks in a curious tone.

She glances at the teen. “Yes, with medical chakra, of all things.”

Both humans’ expressions go blank for a moment, then shift to intrigued before defaulting to serious. “Don’t spread that around. I suspect that it will eventually, but I’ll have Amara start teaching him how to use it, so it’s accounted for.”

“Good.” Miyu rests her head on her paws. “I was hoping you’d have a solution for that. The pup did better than Sakumo could have, so I’m pretty certain it will be noticed, even if Sakumo doesn’t say anything.” _No need to mention that the pup had also used a yin release jutsu that should be impossible at his age to help her._ She’s beginning to think Sakumo’s theory is right, more so than he knows, and she knows when to keep secrets. Let the pup stay a pup as much as he can for now. Humans can be a bit bad at knowing when to let a pup grow at their own pace.

~

“Upsy-daisy, kitten!”

Kakashi opens his eyes blearily and glowers in the direction of the cheerful female voice. “Not a cat.”

A feminine chuckle. “Alright, chibi Hatake. Get up. Now. Time for breakfast. After that, we’ll have your first lesson on medical jutsus.”

 _“What!?”_ He sits up in alarm, suddenly more awake.

“My husband tells me that you managed to work out basic medical chakra on your own, but you already have a reputation for being too smart for your own good. Even with a teacher, that’s going to draw more attention than you’ll like. _Without_ a teacher, it may bring a lot of attention that you will greatly dislike.”

“Oh.” _He should have thought of that._ “Can the lesson wait until after lunch? My chakra’s still really low.”

“No. Don’t worry, the first several lessons will be theory only. You’re amazingly lucky that you didn’t accidentally make your patient worse and land yourself in the hospital.”

“I know.” _He does, actually, given that he hasn’t tried practicing Healing Palm since he ended up in the past._ Her purple eyes narrow and he tacks on hastily, “Aira sensei.”

Her mouth quirks in amusement. “It’s Amara, actually.”

“Oh.” He flushes, because it’s not like him to make a mistake like that on accident. “Sorry, Amara sensei.”

She reaches out and ruffles his hair, ignoring his miffed yelp at someone carelessly touching his sensitive ears. “You’re a good boy, aren’t you? You will be expected to show up three times a week at this time of day, and you _will not be late.”_

He gathers he won’t like the consequences if he’s late or misses a session. “Yes, Amara sensei. What about Academy?” _He’s not in a **hurry** to graduate, but he would like to be **able** to graduate without retaking classes he doesn’t need._

“It’s three hours yet until Academy classes start, chibi Hatake. That’s plenty of time for breakfast and lessons at your age. Also, you won’t be going to the Academy for the next week.”

 _That’s….weird._ “What happens in a week?”

“Councilor Shimura’s trial.”

He stares at her in shock. _How had **that** happened?_   He gets the feeling he has all the pieces of the puzzle and just isn’t putting them together right, but for the life of him, he can’t come up with any answers.

~

The trial and subsequent execution are held quietly, but afterwards the news travels across Konoha with the speed of neighborhood gossips augmented by ninja gossips. Almost as if planned.

Unfortunately, his absence from classes and subsequent return just after the execution is rather conspicuous and it garners _lots_ of curiosity. That he starts showing up a few minutes late to his first class, accompanied by a Nara, several days a week is also noticed.

Sleeping through class becomes significantly harder when curious classmates insist on poking him awake and asking him inane questions. _Annoying._

Then they get a substitute teacher for a few days when the regular one is out sick, and apparently no one had thought to inform him, because he demands sharply to know where Kakashi has been that he’s late to class. Refusing to answer won’t get him anywhere, so he admits in a world weary tone, “Amara sensei teaches me basic medical ninjutsu three mornings a week.”

He’s marked late three days that week, but at least not absent.

More annoying is that he suddenly has _fangirls_. Which is _just wrong_. Sleeping through _any_ class becomes nigh impossible with them waking him up to squeal at him every time the teachers aren’t looking. The obnoxiousness is quadrupled with two sets of ears, he finds.

After about three weeks of this, he snaps and snarls at them, _“Leave me alone! I don’t even **like** girls!”_

Because really? Liking someone in his own age range is going to feel like potential child molestation for at least another fifteen years. _For kami’s sake! Ugh._

He doesn’t realize how his words are taken, though, until a couple weeks after the girls back off in disappointment. Somehow he has acquired a _fanboy_. Which is… _okay, it’s kind of amusing._ The boy is a shy civilian he has _no memory_ of, with a tendency to stutter when he addresses Kakashi, but at least he’s polite and doesn’t bother him unless he has questions about the lessons. He decides he can live with the fanboying, since it has a practical purpose and doesn’t hurt his ears. At least it’s more interesting than sleeping through the entirety of _every_ class, _every_ school day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wikia doesn’t say if Sakumo had summons or not? I know Kakashi raised his from orphan puppies, so I assume it wasn’t a family inheritance of a scroll, but that doesn’t mean that Sakumo wouldn’t have used the same method to get summons. It’s _possible_ Kakashi figured out the method on his own or was helped by Minato or Jiraiya, but for this fic, he learns it from his dad.
> 
> Shikagan is just an alternate reading of Shikamaru. There are few ‘shika’ names, particularly ones with the kanji for ‘deer’, but I wanted to avoid intergenerational confusion of names as much as possible.
> 
> Yes, Kakashi, you’re still only four, memories aside. Your brain is still growing and you will be experiencing logic gaps now and then. You’ll figure it out eventually.
> 
> Since I didn't really mention it in her description, Amara Nara has cat ears and tail. If you picked that up from her calling Kakashi 'kitten', nice catch! She was originally a clanless kunoichi, and a rather impressive one at that. I'm pretty sure the Nara main family has a thing for bossy, badass wives. (Though Amara's a bit more _'dangerous smile, dangerous smile'_ about the bossy than Yoshino canonically is.)


	3. Evil Rabbits and Sly Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi has a silly nightmare. And realizes that he might actually be able to affect events to some degree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple somewhat disturbing conversations happen in this chapter.

Kakashi wakes panting heavily, dreams of oversized, comical looking bipedal rabbits carrying baskets full of colorful eggs and cackling maniacally as they skip around and use their oversized hind feet to punt seasoned ninjas around like toys lingering as he pulls himself from sleep in fright.

Miyu lifts her head beside him and gives him a look of mild concern. “Pup?”

He scrubs his hands over his face. “It’s nothing. Just a nightmare about weird, evil rabbits.”

She swipes her tongue comfortingly over his nearest upper ear but sounds amused when she agrees, “Yes, rabbits are weird and evil. That’s why we eat them.”

Uncovering one eye, he gives her a deadpan look. “You get to tell tou-san we’re having rabbit stew tonight.”

Sakumo hates rabbit stew with a passion. Miyu thwaps Kakashi with the tip of her tail. “Trust me, pup, you don’t want Sakumo’s rabbit stew. Now go back to sleep.”

He sighs and flops back dramatically. Since the week he stayed with the Naras, Miyu’s spent every night sleeping with him just in case. There’s no point in arguing, since it was a minor miracle he survived the first attack with only a few bruises and nearly tapped out chakra. Having his summons stay doesn’t cost Sakumo extra chakra and their presence might mean the difference between life and death for both Hatakes if there’s another attack. Well, that and Miyu’s gotten herself pregnant, _which he **knows** didn’t happen before,_ and traveling between the summons realm and this world would be bad for the pups, particularly as the pregnancy progresses. Or so she had informed him, rather acidly, when he’d asked about it.

~

It had occurred to him, a bit belatedly, that without Danzo to worry about, maybe he could sneakily expose Orochimaru before so many people die in his experiments. He’d checked the hidden lab, only to find it empty and not yet fitted out as a laboratory. _Strange_. Even stranger, he’s been unable to find any trace of the experiments in Orochimaru’s sanctioned laboratory. Kicking his feet, he sits on one of the counters, trying to discern where else the slippery man might be hiding his doings.

Unfortunately, he can’t think of any other places.

A scuff of sound makes him freeze, and he turns his head to find Orochimaru standing only a couple feet away.

“Curious. I can’t say I expected to find a Hatake sneaking around my lab. What did you expect to find?”

Kakashi shrugs. He’s pretty sure the snake won’t do anything to him, not with his father in the village and all the recent alliances Sakumo has made. People are far more likely to notice his disappearance than listen to a child’s wild theories. So, mostly to see his reaction, he says casually, “I guess you haven’t started your child experiments yet.”

Confusion crosses Orochimaru’s face for a fleeting instant. “And why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. I thought it was Nawaki’s death that gave you the idea, but I guess it must have been something later, after all.” He shrugs again. “You shouldn’t bother with the experiments anyways. They’ll all be failures.” _Except Tenzo, but that ‘success’ had been at the cost of his entire clan’s lives except his sister._

Something he thinks might be surprise flits through the golden eyes. “I see why Sakumo thinks you’re an oracle. Fascinating.”

It takes a moment. One blink, two. _“He thinks I’m **what!?** ”_

“He didn’t tell you then. Interesting.”

“I’m not an oracle.” Kakashi says sulkily.

“Oh? You don’t have dreams of the future, then?”

Kakashi goes still, because…well, he can’t really deny that, but… He crosses his arms huffily and pouts. “I’m not an oracle. It’s not the same thing.”

“So tell me, how did Nawaki die?”

“Shouldn’t you know that?”

“Humor me.”

He frowns, because…he actually doesn’t remember, if he ever knew. “I don’t know. I heard there wasn’t enough left of him to identify, so maybe a trap? I think it was on the team’s first mission.”

“Remarkable. How about I make you a promise, young Hatake? I won’t experiment on children, and in return I get you.”

Kakashi gives him a wary look. “I’m not letting you experiment on me, or use that sanity destroying seal on me.”

“Of course not. … Perhaps I misstated that. I simply meant that you will give me samples.”

“Samples?” he asks with deep suspicion.

“Blood, skin, hair, semen. Nothing that will harm you, I promise.”

Kakashi yelps and covers himself reflexively. “Semen? I’m barely five, you know!”

Orochimaru gives him a look that doubts his intelligence. “When you are older, of course. Say sixteen? I’ve heard you already have a little boyfriend, so it’s not as if it will cost you anything. And I certainly _don’t_ want to watch _or_ participate. I _do_ have standards, you know, and dog brats aren’t among them.”

“Saa, that’s good to know. Thank you _so much_ for putting those traumatizing images in my head. Anyways, I’m not into men. I just like _women_ , not creepy fangirls.” _Though it is true that he’s never had any urges to have kids of his own._

“Mmn. I see. Do we have a deal?”

Kakashi scowls at him, uncertain if he can trust the snake sannin, even if the man doesn’t _usually_ bother to lie outright. “Only if Tsunade witnesses it.”

Orochimaru laughs. “Clever. Come at this time tomorrow and I’ll have her here.”

He slides down from the counter and warns, “I’ll know if it isn’t really her.”

“Paranoid little thing, aren’t you?” Orochimaru asks in amusement. “Oh… And Kakashi?”

Kakashi pauses at the door and looks back.

“Nawaki hasn’t graduated yet.”

He swears softly, because he _should_ have known that, and slams the door just for spite. _Sneaky, sly snake!_

~

Tsunade is, indeed, there the next day, as is…

“Tou-san?”

Sakumo gives him a wry smile. “Forgot you can’t make legally binding agreements without my permission until you’re a genin, did you?”

Kakashi gawks a moment, then facepalms, wishing for his Icha Icha to hide behind as he turns bright red in embarrassment. _It’s been a long time since he was a pre-genin the first time, okay?_

“Luckily for you, brat, I thought of it.” Tsunade informs him and _his idea to have her witness the agreement was definitely a good one._

Tsunade actually has a written contract blank prepared and goes through each point as the neutral party. Sakumo doesn’t have much input unless Kakashi and Orochimaru disagree over something.

“No eye samples.” Kakashi says flatly to that one.

“Non-invasive only, of course.” Orochimaru offers.

“No eye samples.” He repeats. _Nothing good ever comes of letting people he doesn’t quite trust near his eyes._

Orochimaru looks extremely irritated and opens his mouth.

 _“No. Eye samples.”_ Sakumo growls.

The snake sits back, clearly seething.

“Unless needed for treatment.” Tsunade says. And she’s a medic, so her opinion holds weight.

“Treatment of _Kakashi’s_ eyes only.” Sakumo clarifies. “If you want samples, non-invasive only, for the treatment of another, you will ask on a case by case basis and if he says no, the answer is _no_.”

“Acceptable.” Orochimaru says sulkily.

Hair, blood, and saliva samples can be requested any time, as long as they aren’t excessive and Orochimaru refrains from approaching with such demands when Kakashi is winding down from a mission or other incident, to avoid injuries on both sides.

Small skin samples under strict supervision of a trusted medic and no more than once a year unless a medical emergency on Kakashi’s part requires more immediate samples. Orochimaru is apparently rather uninterested in his skin, overall.

Nail clippings at request, though again, Orochimaru looks largely uninterested in them.

Spinal fluid and marrow samples _only_ if Kakashi unexpectedly comes down with a raging case of cancer or some such that medical chakra can’t touch. This, surprisingly is Orochimaru’s suggestion, with a few comments from Tsunade.

“Semen.” It’s the last item and Tsunade’s face is carefully blank as she lists it off.

 _“Excuse me!?”_ Sakumo interrupts, tone dangerous.

Kakashi decides to ignore him. “Not until I’m sixteen. Only upon request. Samples will be collected in private, _by me,_ and no more than three times in total.”

“Ten times.” Orochimaru promptly counteroffers.

Tsunade looks between them, drags a hand over her face, and mutters spitefully about idiots.

“Five times total.” Sakumo interrupts in an uncompromising tone. “And any children that result from tests on the samples will belong to the Hatake clan and not be subjected to any experiments that could be construed as even remotely harmful. And if the contract is broken, _all_ samples will be returned to the Hatake clan, along with any pertinent research. This is not negotiable. Take it or leave it.”

Kakashi gives his father a surprised look. _That outcome hadn’t even occurred to him._ He’s not sure why. Abstractly, of course, he’s quite aware that one can result in the other and that Orochimaru might well choose to do something like that with the samples, but somehow he hadn’t connected ‘possible children’ to himself. A grave oversight.

“Agreed.” Orochimaru says without hesitation, sounding the slightest bit smug.

Tsunade mutters some more as she adds that to the contract, then signs as witness, and passes the contract to Orochimaru to sign. Kakashi is the last to sign, and he only hesitates a little. In the end, though, it is a small price to pay to spare tens of lives. There is so little he really has chance of changing the ultimate outcome, but he can change this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reality rewrite did _nothing_ to preserve the ‘memories’ of anyone in Kaguya’s line, so they act pretty much identically to canon, in case you were wondering.
> 
> Easter bunnies rampage nightmare, haha. Poor Kakashi. Not that he knows that’s what they are, of course.
> 
> There’s a story behind the rabbit stew. Sakumo’s jounin sensei only knew how to make that and he made sure all his students could make a passable version, but by the time they became chunin they were all sick of it, particularly Sakumo. But it’s the only trail food he knew how to make, so he was out on a courier mission alone and made rabbit stew, then went off for a wash while it cooked. He came back to find his pot missing. He finally tracked down the thieves without much trouble, a group of hungry bandits, all mysteriously dead. It took both Miyu and Miwa and a few hours to help him figure out that his distaste for the stew had resulted in inadvertently lacing it with lethally intentioned chakra. Since it’s his own chakra, his system would have just reabsorbed it upon eating, but the bandits were not so lucky. Needless to say, he hasn’t made it again. Kakashi doesn’t know the story, though, just knows that his dad doesn’t like eating the stuff.
> 
> As best I can work out, Kakashi probably would’ve been about 8 when Nawaki carelessly got himself killed at age 12. As an active chunin, he almost undoubtedly would’ve heard about it, but probably wasn’t interested enough to actively enquire into the incident or remember exactly when Nawaki died.  
> So he screwed up bigtime, but luckily for him, Orochimaru is more intrigued than offended and still quite sane, if a little offbeat.  
> Nawaki, on the other hand is probably going to regret being born over the next three years as Orochimaru puts him through rather brutal trap recognition training.  
> Because even if Orochimaru’s not particularly fond of the loud brat, he _is_ very fond of Tsunade, and not about to let her suffer needless grief if he can prevent it.  
>  Whether Nawaki survives or not, I still don’t know, but at least he won’t go out by stepping on a trap in the middle of a battle.  
> Incidentally, Orochimaru does believe Kakashi's claim that he's not an oracle, but now he wants to know exactly _what_ he is, if not an oracle.
> 
> ‘tou-san’- technically, it should be ‘chichi’ apparently, to address one’s own father, but since I rarely see that used, and only the more formal ‘chichi-ue’ version, I’m defaulting to the more commonly used ‘tou-san’, which is used to refer to someone else’s father, apparently.
> 
> Tsunade is now convinced that putting Orochimaru and Kakashi across from each other is worse than putting Orochimaru and Jiraiya across from each other, and both result in the world enduring more idiocy.


	4. 'Charms' and Puppies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakumo comes home drunk. Kakashi gives away a necklace. Miyu's puppies. A bitchy Uchiha gets one-upped by a five year old.

Sakumo is dating, or well, that’s what he _appears_ to be attempting. At least he’s been going to various social gatherings with lots of singles in them, sometimes with Kakashi in tow, sometimes not, and enacting half-hearted attempts at flirting. At least, Kakashi’s pretty sure it’s _meant_ to be flirting. He’s also pretty sure that his father is worse at ‘dating’ than Kakashi is at socialization. His ‘flirting’ tends to come off as his usual amiable ‘friend’ self, which…kind of defeats the purpose.

Honestly, Kakashi is glad for his father, that Sakumo is actually _interested_ in finding someone new, but now he really wonders how the man ever managed to snag Kakashi’s mother. It’s a bit ridiculous, really. Sakumo is Konoha’s White Fang. Women should be falling all over themselves to catch his interest, but Sakumo is just too…laid back for any of them to _notice_ him for anything other than friendly conversation.

He only drinks when he doesn’t take Kakashi with him, so Kakashi can’t say he’s _terribly_ surprised when Sakumo comes home draped over the shoulder of an Akamichi woman, obviously soused, and slides to the floor in a boneless puddle of giggle when she sets him down. Kakashi has no memory of her, which probably means she died in the Third War the first time around.

“Your father is an idiot.” She tells him in a no nonsense tone.

Kakashi looks her up and down, taking in the livid scars across the right side of her face that look like a bear clawed her, but most likely is from a clawed weapon, given she still has normal skin between the raised scars, instead of the lumpy mess that would’ve resulted from having half her face ripped off under the force of a bear’s paw. The scarring probably happened when she was a genin, given the way the scars twist here and there, sewn up amateurishly because no medic had been available to mend the gashes properly. Though she can obviously still see, there’s a good chance that her vision is somewhat impaired on that side, given where the scars lie. She’s a bit…chubby, but rather slim for an Akamichi. Wearing civilian clothes, but holding herself with the unconscious grace of a skilled kunoichi. He can see why others have probably overlooked her, and why she’d appeal to his father, who would appreciate the quiet, calm air about her and her average but attractive features.

“I don’t know about that. He did manage to get a pretty woman to carry him home.”

She smiles ruefully. “I see you have your father’s silver tongue, but there’s no need to flatter me, pup. I know what I look like.”

“She’s pretty isn’t she, Kakashi? So pretty?” Sakumo says in a happy, loopy tone, then giggles again.

“See? Tou-san agrees with me! You’re pretty.” Then he eye-smiles at her, because she obviously thinks he’s just trying to flatter her. _(Granted, Sakumo is thoroughly drunk, and drunks are not well known for their reliability of perception, and five year olds are not generally a reliable indicator of what grown men are attracted to.)_ “Wait here! I’ve got a charm that will let others see how pretty you are!”

She huffs a small laugh, and relents. “Okay, pup.”

It only takes him a few moments to find it, a pendant in the shape of the symbol for ‘field’ strung on a delicate chain, kept in a small wooden box on his father’s dresser. Dashing back, he holds it out to her dramatically. “Here! Put it on! And you have to wear it _every day_ , cuz it really will work. I’ll check, you know!”

“I see.” She says gravely, obviously humoring him as she fumbles it on. “I’ll be sure to wear it, then.”

Kakashi sees her out cheerfully, then finds a blanket to throw over his father. Better he sleep on the floor than throw up on his bed later.

The pendant is the Hatake clan symbol and the necklace belonged to his mother. He’s pretty sure his father will forgive him when he sees her wearing it. Grinning as he crawls into bed, he wonders how long it will take for someone to explain to her that wearing the necklace is as good as stating that she’s engaged to Sakumo. It will certainly go a long ways towards making people keep their nasty remarks to themselves, given Sakumo’s reputation on the battlefield.

~

Miyu has three puppies, and by the look of them, they’re fathered by the Inuzuka Clan head’s ninken, Kuromu, a rather large beast and the most ferocious ninken in the entire clan. He wonders how _that_ came about, since the Inuzuka aren’t known for letting their dogs breed outside clan lines. Then again, the Hatake aren’t exactly known for that either.

The largest pup is a female and the smaller two are identically patterned males. At eight and a half weeks, Miyu drops the female pup in his lap. “This one’s yours.”

He freezes, hands hovering over her hesitantly. “I-I don’t think-”

“Are you rejecting my daughter?” Miyu asks in a dangerous tone.

“N-No? But…Pakkun.”

She lets out a long suffering sigh. Although his father has strangely let the matter lie without question, Miyu had gotten the truth out of him. “Look, pup. You can still adopt your pack of strays, but you need at least one direct combat ninken. With people thinking you’re an oracle, even though it’s being kept fairly quiet, you’re in a certain amount of danger from those who would use or eliminate you. _I_ know you’re not one, but _they_ don’t. It’s going to be years yet before your strays are born, right?”

“Oh.” He lowers his hands to cuddle the puppy, accepting her as his. “What’s her name?”

“Whatever you happen to name her.” Miyu says in an exasperated tone.

“Ena.” He says after a long moment, stroking the puppy’s ears gently.

At nine weeks, Kuromu shows up to inspect the pups and looks quite pleased. Apparently they made a bargain, Ena for Kakashi and the other pups to go to the Inuzuka. Potential partners for them will start coming by soon, since the mother is always allowed to choose who to partner her pups with.

Kakashi mentally facepalms as he realizes belatedly that Miyu got pregnant _entirely_ for the purpose of providing with his own ninken to protect him. _It’s a good thing he didn’t refuse._ She probably would’ve bitten him if he’d tried.

~

Sakumo goes still when he sees Tefuko Akamichi wearing his wife’s necklace. After a long moment, he manages to recall her and Kakashi having some sort of conversation after she’d brought him home and dumped him in a drunken sprawl on his floor, silly drunk.

“Did…Kakashi give you that?” he finally manages.

She gives a little, fond smile, the heavy scarring twisting the smile a little on the right side. “Yes. He said it was a charm to help others see I’m pretty. Your pup has definitely inherited your silver tongue. But…is it an heirloom or something I shouldn’t have? I can return it if it is.”

“Oh. No, no. It looks good on you. You should keep wearing it.” He assures her, flushing slightly at the thought of her wearing his clan symbol, something that marks her as _his, his, his_.

Besides, Kakashi _gave her his mother’s necklace_ , Kakashi _thinks she’s pretty_ , and getting his finicky son’s approval is not an easy thing to do. That Tefuko managed to do so, entirely on accident, at first meeting, is something that is not just anyone could do. So maybe he’d thought her a little out of his league before this, but now… Now he’s going to court her properly, unless and until she either tells him to go to hell or accepts his proposal. It had worked out just fine the first time, after all. Everyone said Aimi was out of his league, too. But she’d still married _him._ With any luck, so will Tefuko.

~

Tefuko is beginning to wonder if the ‘charm’ the Hatake pup had gifted her with has some sort of undetectable genjutsu on it. She’s been receiving a lot of wide-eyed looks of…well, respect, for lack of a better word, lately. Not to mention that several people who’ve never, to her memory, _ever_ said a kind word to her before have started acting like they’re friends. Even her mother has backed off a little on trying to force feed her to the point of nausea.

People who’ve never _noticed_ her before stop to speak to her or wave as they pass. The Hatake pup, does indeed show up every day, carrying around his adorable ninken puppy, to check if she’s wearing it like she promised. And Sakumo, the charming idiot, keeps coming around, complimenting her even when sober and bringing her little gifts. Since he doesn’t do this with any other woman, and her clan is obviously convinced he’s courting her _(and approves of it)_ , she’s forced to conclude that they might, possibly, be dating.

Which is just surreal.

If pleasant. _Very pleasant._

“Well, if it isn’t the _‘skinny’_ Akamichi.” An all too familiar voice sneers.

 _Obviously if there really is a genjutsu, it doesn’t work on snotty Uchihas_. Tefuko represses a groan and smiles politely. “Jiyuu.”

“Getting ideas above your station lately, haven’t you? It’s sorry enough that you’re ugly and a pathetic excuse for a kunoichi. I didn’t think you were _stupid_ , too.”

There’s an intense wave of killing intent between them that barely brushes her, but by the way Jiyuu stiffens, the beauty is getting the full brunt.

“Just because you’re a jealous, shallow _mouse_ doesn’t mean you get to be nasty to my kaa-san.” A little voice says harshly.

Looking down in astonishment, she sees a short, scrawny figure with wild silver hair and silver-furred ears laid back in temper.

“Uchihas aren’t _mice_ , you little brat!” Jiyuu says indignantly.

“Maa, maa, you could have fooled me. You mean there’s a _reason_ other than that for the Uchihas being afraid to interact with anyone else?” Kakashi asks with fake _(and very mocking)_ sympathy.

“I’ll show you _‘afraid’_ , brat!”

“Really now?” Kakashi drawls insultingly, then kicks her in the shin, dodges her grab and shunshins away with Jiyuu in hot pursuit.

Tefuko is left behind, blinking in astonishment.

_‘Kaa-san’!? What!?_

Idly she wonders if Sakumo is aware that his pup already knows how to do a shunshin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miwa- written as ‘beautiful’ and ‘harmony’
> 
> Miyu- written as ‘beautiful’ and ‘gentleness’
> 
> Ena- written as ‘wise’ and ‘harmony’
> 
> Kuromu- written as ‘black’ and ‘dream’. He is Kuromaru’s father and the ninken of Tsume’s father. _(Ena and her brothers are Kuromaru’s half siblings.)_
> 
> Tefuko (written ‘butterfly’ and ‘child’) Akamichi- Kakashi’s assessment of her is accurate, though he’s wrong that she died in the war the first time around, because she’s one of those minor changes that happened and simply didn’t exist the first time around. She’s only half-Akamichi, the result of a seduction mission, and her mother refuses to understand that she doesn’t have the standard Akamichi metabolism, much to her frustration. Her clan members think she’s too skinny, others tend to think she’s fat _(she is, but mostly because her mother insists on overfeeding her)_ , and she’s just pretty enough that she’d been the target of envy before she got scarred up and her tormentors took great glee in telling her that no one would ever look twice at her again. Needless to say, she has self-esteem issues. Her personality is very calm and practical and kind. She’s retired from active duty because of her impaired vision, but keeps up her training. While the wounds did cause her visual issues, it took a few years for it to degenerate to the point of being a hazard in the field, and she was able to become a chunin before retiring from active duty. She does still take easy missions occasionally to supplement her clan stipend.
> 
> Kakashi thinks Sakumo dating is just a natural progression of getting over his grief for Kakashi’s mother, Aimi. He’s wrong. Sakumo encountered Kakashi’s fanboy a few times when picking him up after school and observed how comfortable Kakashi is in his presence and decided the rumors of his son liking boys _(which **finally** reached him)_ are true and realized that if he wants the Hatake clan to continue, he’d better ensure it himself instead of counting on Kakashi to do so. He is kind of hilariously inept at dating, though.  
>  Incidentally, Kakashi’s ‘fanboy’ doesn’t fancy himself in love with Kakashi, he just really respects his skill and intelligence and sees the sudden absence of fangirls as a chance to get some extra help with classes. He’s pleasantly surprised when Kakashi doesn’t tell him to fuck off and apparently has no issues with him being civilian born. The reason Kakashi doesn’t remember his is that he chose not to go to the Academy the first time around. One of those 50% chance type decisions. …I should probably give the kid a name.
> 
> Kakashi was beginning to think no one would tell her, but he doesn’t think she should find out from someone being so nasty to her. Jiyuu’s just a nasty, vain, self-absorbed person. It has nothing to do with being an Uchiha. She’s also going to be considerably worse for the wear by the time Kakashi gets bored with taunting her and staying just out of reach and takes refuge behind Sakumo. And if he leads her through a fair number of public venues repeatedly, well, it’s _her_ fault for not being a good enough ninja to catch an almost-six-year old kid, right? She gets laughed at a lot after that, and Sakumo is _not pleased_ to find her trying to harm his son and hear that she’s been mean to Tefuko, and politely makes this _very, very clear_ to her.


	5. Musing and S ranked nin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi's 'fanboy' muses. Tefuko and Kakashi encounter someone they shouldn't. Minor mayhem follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An S ranked enemy nin dies in Konoha in this chapter. Because he's an idiot too stupid to wear a proper disguise or even a convincing henge.

Poemu really likes Kakashi Hatake. That’s no secret at all. He really, really likes Kakashi Hatake. Not, as the gossipy girls believe, because of his sudden social status, rumored stunning looks, and ‘prodigy’ level chakra control that allows him to take actual med nin training at _four_. Nor does he have any delusions about becoming Kakashi’s boyfriend _(or future husband)_.

He doesn’t have even a mild ‘crush’ on the other boy.

No, he took advantage of the confused space around Kakashi after his announcement that he _‘didn’t even like girls’_ because Kakashi is a clan kid and knows so much that a civilian born kid like him doesn’t, because he’s top of all his classes without even trying, so much so that he literally naps through classes out of sheer boredom, and Poemu _took a gamble_ on possibly getting help with classes. And Kakashi…hasn’t sneered at his uncertain stutter or for being civilian born, hasn’t told him to leave him alone, and never hesitates to answer his questions, even though he visibly is a bit annoyed at being disturbed. When he’s not helping Poemu, he’s ignoring him companionably, and has even introduced him to his father, the famed White Fang of Konoha, when they encountered each other.

Kakashi Hatake would probably be baffled at the thought of Poemu as his friend.

As far as he can tell, Kakashi doesn’t _have_ any friends his age. But he _treats_ Poemu like a friend. He doesn’t so much as raise an eyebrow when his new nin-puppy starts treating Poemu like an extra cushion whenever Kakashi gets up to do something a teacher requires.

He’s not even sure _why_ the Hatakes have ninken, to be quite honest. Unlike the Inuzukas, they don’t train to fight as a unit. While he knows that the White Fang’s ninkens _can_ fight, he’s not known for using them often in battle. The man’s moniker is because of his _tanto_ of all things, not what one would expect from a family with a ninken contract of some sort. Or maybe having ninken doesn’t require a contract? He’s not really sure on that. But, well. The point still stands.

Poemu _does_ know, however, that it’s unusual for a ninken to allow anyone besides their human partner to touch them casually. And it’s not like Ena lets just anyone touch her _(or Kakashi)_. He’s seen her growl, snap, and snarl at various times to discourage importunate hands. It’s hardly threatening at her current size, but it’s still mildly scary.

Kakashi Hatake uses him to keep others away from him. He knows this. But just accepting his presence would do that. The farce doesn’t require Kakashi to treat him with the casual ease of a trusted comrade, to _help_ him, to introduce him casually to his family, to trust him with his precious ninken. So yes, Poemu _really, really_ likes Kakashi Hatake. Just not for the reasons everyone assumes.

And because Kakashi does nothing to dispel the misunderstanding, neither does he.

~

Tefuko has been officially engaged six months _(she tracked the smooth talker down after Kakashi had called her ‘kaa-san’ and demanded to know what was going on, and he’d admitted sheepishly that the ‘charm’ Kakashi had given her was actually the Hatake clan equivalent of an engagement ring, before proposing to her, which, well, she’d been too flattered to turn down)_ when she comes face to face with a man she recognizes as being an S rank Kumo nin, who _should **not**_ have been able to get into Konoha, much less walk around freely.

Unfortunately, Kakashi, who has taken to stalking her when he has nothing better to do, since his initial encounter with Jiyuu, _also_ somehow recognizes him and darts past her with the obvious intention of defending her. _Idiot pup._ She snags the back of his collar and _tosses_ him onto the nearest roof, ignoring his yelp of dismayed surprise, and instructs, “Go fetch your father.”

The fact that he flips and twists midair to land on his feet and _not_ fall off the roof doesn’t surprise her, though the way he snakes out a crude chakra rope and snags Ena before she can fall to the ground does a bit. She’s never doubted that Sakumo’s pup is a genius with excellent chakra control, but chakra strings are more a Suna technique than a Konoha one.

Sadly, she’s not actually shocked when the idiot pup doesn’t obey and stays firmly on the roof.

~

Kakashi yelps and swallows a curse. He barely manages to get his feet under him and stumbles before he regains his balance, just in time to not tumble embarrassingly off the roof, then swallows another curse as he sees Ena tumbling towards the ground, separated from him midair. In desperation, he manages to catch the puppy with the crudest approximation of a chakra string in probably _ever_ , and almost falls off the roof again as he hauls her towards him with it.

Then Tefuko’s words sink in and he bites off a snarl, because _like hell_ he’s going to leave her facing off against someone so far over her level _alone_. His father would be devastated if she died.

So, instead, he flares his chakra in an ANBU emergency code. ANBU _Captain_ emergency code. Because that will bring any ANBU and probably every ex-ANBU and hopefully some jounin in quick response. _It doesn’t occur to him that there’s no way a six and a half year old Academy student should know the sequence. Nor does he think about Sakumo being devastated if **Kakashi** dies._ But he does respect Tefuko enough to stay out of her way, lest he distract her and get her killed even faster. He does, belatedly, remember that he’s actually _too small and weak_ as of yet to make an adequate foe for an S rank ninja, no matter how advanced he is for his age and how much he remembers of a former future.

Still, he’s more than a little surprised when Orochimaru and Jiraiya materialize out of seemingly nowhere in response. The civilians scatter in fear as the Kumo nin reflexively uses KI.

He startles at the soft scuff of ninja sandals beside him, then relaxes as he spots spikey blond hair over a leaf hitai-ate and a jounin vest. _Minato sensei. No, not sensei yet._

The Kumo nin is so focused on Jiraiya and Orochimaru that he only dodges the forked kunai on instinct. He is _not_ , however, fast enough to entirely dodge the Yellow Flash and is lucky to get off with a cut that doesn’t quite manage to sever muscles down the back of his neck and over his shoulder blade. Leaving him wounded prey against three will-be-but-not-quite-yet Konoha legends. It’s like watching a pack of wild dogs surrounding an injured buck. S rank ninja or not, against three S ranks, the outcome is never in doubt.

Thankfully Tefuko falls back, staying out of the way, and Kakashi spares enough attention to note a number of ANBU showing up and… _Oh, fuck_.

Kushina ruffles his hair, entirely ignoring his flattened ears and instinctive jerk away. “Minato said that someone used an ANBU emergency code. Would that be you, kid?”

_He hates his life. Why this insane woman? No, no, no!_

In his arms, Ena turns from snarling softly at the Kumo nin to growl at Kushina in warning.

_What has he ever done to deserve this!?_

Okay, possibly he deserves it for not taking better care of her son the first time around. _But still, utterly unfair!_

“Aww, what a protective pet. He’s cute!”

He glowers at her. “Ena is _not_ a pet. _She_ is a ninken. And if you try to pet her, she’ll take your hand off.”

Kushina just grins. “She can try! I don’t think she’s big enough yet to get her teeth around my wrist.”

“Why don’t you do something useful?” he sulks, refusing to argue with a loudmouthed _idiot,_ and points at Tefuko. “Like protecting my kaa-san.”

She gives him a surprised glance, then smiles and ruffles his hair again, smile widening at his tiny growl and Ena’s louder one, before jumping down to do just that. Literally standing in front of Tefuko, stance battle ready. _Hmmph. Maybe there’s a few good things about her after all._

~

Sakumo responds to the distress call simply because he’s been around long enough to recognize an ANBU emergency code, even if he doesn’t know exactly what the code conveys. Of course he’ll stay out of the way if it’s an ANBU-only situation, but in-village emergencies are never good and often _more help_ is appreciated if offered. It takes him a few minutes to get to the scene, because he wasn’t close.

He arrives in time to see his son duck a kunai and an ANBU snatch him up and deposit him further from the fight, a number of ANBU perched on roofs and other places, like white-masked crows, while three jounin harry an intruder and a fourth protects his fiancée. And somehow he _knows_. He knows that somehow it must have been _his son_ who used a code that he has no business knowing nor any reason for even having encountered before this. Seeing that their opponent is strong enough to be giving three jounin enough trouble that a fourth is guarding Tefuko and the ANBU are having to intervene to keep Kakashi safe, he can’t exactly _blame_ him for resorting to it.

Just…well. There goes any hope of keeping Kakashi with his age-mates instead of advancing him through Academy more quickly.

He swallows a sigh, flares his chakra slightly in warning, and steps into the fight, taking easy advantage of the opening that Orochimaru and Jiraiya create while young Minato distracts and driving his tanto through the man’s heart despite his effort to twist away, then pushing his bloodline inheritance of white chakra, _lightning chakra,_ through the blade, frying the man from the inside out. Sakumo grins, all teeth and rage, and growls,

_“Dare to touch what is mine, will you!?”_

Then death catches up with the Kumo nin, his last sight a half-feral White Fang of Konoha snarling out the reason for his doom.

Sakumo doesn’t so much as flinch when Orochimaru and Jiraiya block the last ditch effort of the dying nin to take him out with him, then kicks the fool off his blade, flicking it to rid it of blood before sheathing it. Proper cleaning can come later. He ignores Orochimaru’s soft tsk of annoyance, checks that Tefuko is okay still, then turns towards the ANBU who had whisked Kakashi out of range and makes a ‘give me’ motion.

After a slight pause, the woman tosses Kakashi _(who gives a miffed yelp and clutches Ena closer)_ to him. His rage drains away as his arms are filled with gangly, warm six year old and a puppy.

Kakashi grumbles, then cuddles closer.

Tefuko stalks up and tells him bluntly, “Your son is an idiot.”

Sakumo huffs a laugh, because these two are his whole world. Alive, safe, unharmed. And he could have lost both of them within the bounds of their own village, in peacetime. _Almost had_. He’s going to have some serious words with Hiruzen over the laxness of Konoha’s security.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poemu- written as ‘star’ and ‘shadow’ and ‘dream’. He doesn’t have a family name, but he’s sometimes called ‘Taki’s son’ because his father is Taki the grocer. _(Due to wars and people being orphaned while very young or people abandoning children because of too many mouths to feed, people without last names aren’t terribly uncommon. And it can take several generations before someone decides that their pride deserves it or others decide to call them something that reflects some outstanding characteristic of the family/individual, thus creating family names. Taki is from one of those families.)_ Poemu gets his chakra capacity from his mother’s side. She’s the civilian daughter of a clanless shinobi and a whore who was smart enough to use laws that really more apply to clans to dump her child off on him to raise.  
>  He almost decided to take a civilian apprenticeship to an accountant _(and did the first time around),_ but now can’t even imagine wanting to be a civilian and knows very well how much Kakashi is improving his chances to make it to genin. Poemu is very a much _‘regret nothing’_ type when it comes to his life choices and the first time around was content as an accountant and couldn’t imagine why he’d thought about becoming a shinobi to begin with.  
>  And…his bit took longer to write than the entire rest of this chapter put together. Lol.
> 
> Tefuko...dear...I don't think Sakumo would recognize 'smooth talking' if it walked up and bit him.
> 
> The reason it took the three of them long enough for Sakumo is that the fight is taking place in the middle of their village and Jiraiya and Orochimaru can’t call on their trump cards without a lot of damage to the surroundings and Minato hasn’t had reason yet to brush up his skills to the level that made him a legend because the war hasn’t happened yet. Also, with ANBU and Minato and Kushina there, Orochimaru isn’t above ‘toying with his food’ so to speak and Jiraiya and Minato are content to just steadily wear the Kumo nin down.  
> Orochimaru _is_ a little annoyed that Sakumo stepped in and ended the fight a little prematurely, but acknowledges that he has a right, given that his fiancée and child precipitated the confrontation. Neither he nor Jiraiya have been ANBU, but like Sakumo, they can recognize ANBU emergency code to some extent, and Orochimaru has been curious enough in him that he recognizes the chakra flares as belonging to Kakashi, so he responded and Jiraiya who was there to harass him, came with.  
>  Minato _has_ done a very short stint in ANBU, simply because Hiruzen has been eyeing him as a possible heir to the hat. His reaction to noticing an ANBU Captain emergency code is strong enough that he has to give Kushina, _who he’s typically dithering around,_ a brief explanation before responding, and she’s curious enough to follow.


	6. Consequences that go ways that no one quite expects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Council gets ambitious. Kakashi trolls everyone. Poemu helps. Sakumo and Orochimaru are displeased. But so are the Council. Gai finally shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think the Council was going to overlook Kakashi mysteriously knowing ANBU codes, did you? Nope, nope. They want him safely tucked away in ANBU, with a good excuse for knowing the codes and theoretically being more under their thumbs. Not, mind you, that they actually have input on ANBU missions with Danzo gone, but hey~ Delusions of grandeur and bad thought patterns persist.  
> I will admit, though, that I'm being a little unfair. Their advice has been sound for the most part, other than Danzo-induced idiocy on certain civil matters. I believe that the Civilian Council _does_ have Konoha's best interests in mind, at least as far as they consider things. They most likely deal a lot advise-wise with ambassadorial related situations, such as proposals from the Daimyo and treaties with other hidden villages. Not to mention, civil governments, even military ones like a ninja village, must learn from experience. They're basically the second generation of Konoha and don't have centuries of others' fuckups to learn from. They have to make their own mistakes, and even wise, skilled people have their flaws and blindspots, particularly if they have no proper example to work from. And really? Hashirama and Tobirama did what they could, but they just...didn't live that long. Hiruzen and co literally ended up taking leadership in the _second ninja war_ and lived through the first one as well. The fact that they managed to switch back over to peacetime leadership as well as they did speaks well of them, despite their Danzo-led idiocies (mostly later on in canon).  
>  Kakashi, of course, _lived_ through the results of those idiocies the first time around, and is rather prejudiced.  
>  And no, canonically, Danzo was not one of Hiruzen's teammates, he was simply one of the aides that Tobirama chose to work under him when he took office. As was Kagami.

“Kakashi Hatake will be moving to a more advanced class, starting today.” The teacher says after greeting them.

“Nope.” He says firmly and buries his face in his arms, not interested in this at all.

“What do you mean by ‘nope’?” The teacher asks in a dangerous tone.

Kakashi lifts his head reluctantly. “I know my father already exercised his right as a parent and Clan head to refuse such advancements.”

“Well, the Council overrode his decision.”

_Oh, them_. “What are they going to do? Come down here in person and drag me? Not going.”

“I assure you, _I_ can make you, just fine, without their assistance!” The teacher snaps and storms towards him.

He waits until the chunin reaches for him, only to draw back his hand just barely fast enough to escape Ena’s snapping teeth, before drawling, “And how do you intend to explain to my father that you laid hands on his heir?”

Then he moves quickly, because the teacher’s look of sheer aggravation is followed by the beginnings of a set of handsigns he recognizes.

“Maa, maa, that isn’t nice, sensei.” He chides from his upside down perch on the ceiling, Ena tucked safely inside his jacket, which had been tied around his waist a moment earlier. “I happen to know that you’re not allowed to advance a student who doesn’t feel that they are ready.”

A sound of pure frustration in response is music to his ears.

“I hope you know that you’ve just _proved_ that you are far too advanced for this class, Kakashi.”

“Saa, I don’t want to. And you can’t make me.”

“Kakashi Hatake! Get down here, right now!”

“Maa, maa, sensei. There’s no reason for me to come down. I can sleep through your useless lectures up here as well as I can down there.”

The teacher sputters and turns an interesting shade of puce.

Ena whines and sticks her cold nose under his ear, making him flinch. _Okay, maybe that was going a bit far_. There’s no real reason for him to not move up, other than his father wanting him to stay with kids the same age. _Then again… Yes, that should do._

“I won’t be moving up classes until Poemu is also moved up.” He says firmly, and pretends to drop off into a nap.

“Poemu…”

“U-Um. I also would like to stay with Kakashi, even if it means moving up a class.” Poemu, _good soul that he is,_ offers hesitantly.

The teacher crosses his arms. “Oh really? And why is that? Don’t give me that crap about being his boyfriend, either. Education does _not_ revolve around who you’re ‘dating’ at age 6!”

“W-Well…Kakashi gives me a lot of help with classes, sensei. Y-You’re not very good at explaining things so civilians can get them, so if he moves up and I don’t, my grades will quite likely go down drastically enough that I am dropped from the Academy. S-So. I mean, i-if that doesn’t matter because the Academy o-only intends to graduate clan kids, I un-understand.”

It takes a _lot_ of effort to pretend he’s napping instead of listening, because Poemu’s innocent, earnest face and tone is _perfect_ , and Kakashi wants to _die laughing_ because with his last statement, Poemu has made it _entirely impossible_ for the teacher to retaliate for the slurs on his teaching skills.

Because Poemu, quiet, ‘shy’ Poemu, is top of his classes right behind Kakashi, and even his taijutsu and ninjutsu have improved enough that he’s fourth in them, above a number of clan kids. And him claiming that he’d be _failing_ without Kakashi’s help… Well.

The teacher makes a complicated expression, and Kakashi is almost sorry that the man isn’t stupid enough to miss the implications and say something equally stupid and send the civilian parents up in flames. _That_ furor would make the Council back off. Still, it’s probably a complication Konoha doesn’t need at the moment, so he’s content with this, as long as he gets to drag Poemu with him to fend off those horrific creatures known as fangirls. _He_ could graduate today, of course, but Poemu can’t, so the Council won’t be able to push Kakashi through classes at the rate they’d prefer, and his father can’t complain _too much_ as long as he has someone his age who he gets along with in his classes.

“I see. I will have to clear it with the School Head first.” The chunin finally says, tone carefully blank.

_Ah, the Hokage. Well, he probably won’t mind. Too much, at least._

~

Sakumo stares at the Hokage. “You let the Council override my decision on Kakashi’s education.”

The Hokage takes a puff on his pipe, a sign of nerves if Sakumo ever saw one. “They were quite insistent, and while you may not like it, a parent is not always right about what is best for their child.”

He doesn’t spit on the floor in derision, but it’s a close thing. The urge is strong. His tone is icy as he says, “You let the _Civilian Council_ override a Clan head’s decision on the suitability of advancing a clan member prematurely.”

Hiruzen’s eyes widen in startlement. “Sakumo, you-”

_Didn’t expect me to take it **that** direction, now did you?_ He turns on his heel, not about to waste time listening to excuses when he has people to speak with. Only to have to dodge abruptly as the door flies open and a chunin bursts in without even noticing him.

“Lord Hokage! That little brat had the gall to refuse, and now he’s sleeping on the ceiling and I don’t think he’ll come down unless we give in to his _demand_ that his little ‘boyfriend’ advance with him. And, I mean, I _think_ we can, because Poemu’s the top of the class behind him, and he said he’d be willing because he doesn’t want to be separated. _But then_ , he added that he’d understand if we couldn’t because we only wanted clan kids to graduate. And I…” The chunin stops and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. “I said I had to clear it with you first.”

Sakumo pauses at the name ‘Poemu’, because that means ‘the brat’ must be Kakashi. _And how did he learn to sleep on a ceiling?_ But given the state of the teacher’s flusterment, this could be quite interesting.

Hiruzen almost drops his pipe, then pinches his nose and sighs. “Very well. And next time, _don’t_ burst in when I’m already in a meeting.”

The teacher startles, then looks around and pales as he sees Sakumo leaning against the very much closed door.

“So, sensei, tell me. What exactly did you try to do to my son that he resorted to sleeping on the ceiling?”

The man blanches satisfactorily.

~

Poemu is…not exactly excited about the possibility of advancing a year _mid-year,_ but it _is_ true that the teachers so far have been fairly abysmal at teaching things in a way a civilian can fully understand and he’s really the only civilian in the Academy who is getting _any_ extra help outside of the standard teaching, even if his is coming from someone his own age. He wouldn’t be _failing_ without Kakashi’s help, of course, but he certainly wouldn’t be doing nearly as well. And he’s fairly certain that Kakashi will help him with anything he doesn’t understand should they _actually_ advance above their class.

So, it’s not like he loses anything by going along with Kakashi’s declaration, and it’s simple enough to make forcing Kakashi harder. If they don’t think Poemu’s ready to advance, they’ll have a much harder time pushing Kakashi’s advancement. The beauty of it, of course, is that their classmates will do all the work for them, because there’s nothing people like more than gossip.

~

“So, I hear you put the Academy in a tizzy.” Orochimaru says as he draws blood.

“Maybe a little.” He admits.

“Hm. Sensei looked as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Apparently you saved him something of a political bloodbath between the Council and the Clan Council, but it will still result in some serious tension. Your father put the fear of the White Fang into your teacher. Oh, and your clever little friend has the civilian parents up in arms about ‘discrimination’. Did I miss anything?”

Kakashi blinks at him. He hadn’t known the part about his father scaring his teacher, or that the civilian parents were up in arms even _with_ Poemu’s advancement alongside his. “Saa…the teachers really are bad about helping the civilians really _get_ what they’re trying to teach. They use terms that civilian born kids won’t understand fully, and while their basics are…mostly adequate, the civilians have no one to give them extra training or explanations. They also tend to run in feral gossip packs rather than learning actual teamwork. Some of the clan kids could probably use extra attention to their schooling too.”

“And that matters to you…why?”

He gives Orochimaru a dry look. “The world won’t go without war forever. Do I _look_ like I’d want to work with incompetent comrades? Besides, the more students successfully graduate to genin and chunin, the stronger Konoha will be.”

“Mmn.” Orochimaru hums, moving on to clipping hair. Letting Orochimaru cut his hair saves him both the cost of a hairdresser and the indignity of oddly missing strands of hair, since the haircuts result in enough scraps to satisfy the snake’s requirements. “What an interesting point of view. I suppose your points are why sensei has ‘asked’ that I teach a number of remedial courses for the civilian students.”

_Oh, kami, what have I done? Poemu is going to kill me._

Kakashi covers his face with one hand and mutters, “Has anyone ever informed your sensei that he’s an idiot?”

Orochimaru laughs. “I believe his Council makes a point of it, actually.”

_Too bad no one ever tells **them** that, they might actually make good decisions if someone did._

~

Kakashi thinks about following Poemu inside. He really doesn’t want to, though, because the new teacher throws chalk at him when he tries to sleep. With a sigh, he starts to pry himself up and then pauses as he hears someone being mocked. Curious, he ambles over and blinks a few times at the sight of a rather ragged looking mini-version of Gai’s student Rock Lee. _That’s… Oh. That’s Gai_. It’s stunning the difference between the young Gai and the future version of him that he remembers so well. And these two… _Hm. He doesn’t remember them at all_. So either they’d failed out of Academy or died young the first time around. Either way, picking on one of the strongest of Konoha’s future ninjas isn’t something they should be doing.

“Maa, maa, Gai, don’t you think you’re taking practicing your humility a bit far?”

“K-Kakashi?”

_Now why isn’t he surprised that Gai remembers him from their brief encounter more than two years ago?_

He gives Gai a little wave of acknowledgement, ignoring the obnoxious way the boy lights up in response. Seriously, that’s just Gai. Everyone knows that.

“Why would a genius like you even want to _talk_ to a loser moron like him?”

Kakashi finds…he’s a little offended on Gai’s behalf. Huh. “Gai’s not stupid. He’s a genius of hard work.” He pauses to give them a very skeptical look. “Tch. Boring. Maybe if you put in half as much effort as Gai does, instead of wasting your time being pathetic bullies, you’d be mildly interesting.”

The bigger one puffs up and blusters, “Yeah, well, you _sleep_ through classes, so what does that make you?”

He thinks about it, then shrugs. “A prodigy, I suppose. One of those benefits of being able to just absorb knowledge by sleeping on top of books.”

The two bullies look torn between disbelief, awe, and raging jealousy, while Gai stifles a snicker, obviously getting the sarcasm.

“Later, Gai. I think the teacher is looking for me about now.” He gives another little wave and meanders back towards the classroom. _He’s probably not going to be lucky enough to have Gai not come up with the term **Eternal Rival!** , but oh well. _Some things about Gai are very predictable, including his penchant for shouting everything when excited, sunset not-genjutsus, terribly unfortunate taste in clothing, and the ability to consistently overcome his shortcomings with excruciating effort while smiling madly. It’s not like giving him a little encouragement at this stage can do any harm.

_Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m going with the assumption that ninken live longer because they actively use chakra, much like the Uzumaki with their huge chakra reservoirs lived longer in canon. Ena and her brothers are quite a bit younger than their half-brother Kuromaru. Why? Simply because I remembered that Tsume is approximately a decade older than Kakashi. The age difference would be slightly improbable with normal large dogs, as large dogs tend to only live 8-12 years at max. Which means giving an Academy kid a puppy would be stupid, because their active field use would be shortened _unless_ chakra use slows their aging significantly. So, going with the assumption that they live much closer to human-length lifespans than regular dog lifespans.
> 
> Poemu and Kakashi did get promoted a year. Although Sakumo and the other Clan heads he complained to were very irritated over the whole matter, the Council was even more irritated at not being able to push him through more advanced tests and classes in hopes of graduating him the current year and sucking him into ANBU. Hiruzen is just glad that the snarling on both sides is being kept to acceptable levels.
> 
> Kakashi does not like his new homeroom teacher. Poemu likes that he’s a bit better teacher, but dislikes that he keeps Kakashi awake and thus disgruntled at being bored senseless. The teacher is extremely irritated that Kakashi refuses to pay attention in class, but still manages to ace every test, taijutsu and ninjutsu included. It upsets his world view. He’d be a lot mellower about it if he knew how hard Kakashi practices on his own. Not that Kakashi has any intention of sharing this with him. He’s holding a grudge over the chalk.
> 
> Also, I kind of picture the Akamichi as having Irish setter ears/characteristics. Though, yeah, I know that doesn’t match the weight thing. But definitely red-haired sweethearts. And, well, nothing says they have to be direct analogs, right? _(Don’t look at me like that, there’s only so many red dog types in the world. Haha.)_  I guess I could make them Tibetan temple dogs, but I just like the idea of them as Irish setters better.
> 
> I would say Gai is probably either a Doberman or possibly Rottweiler or maybe a mix of the two. To go with that shiny black hair of his and strong personality.


	7. Mendacious words, Questions with frightening answers, and Fashion choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi terrifies some assholes with a bit of help, then Fugaku with no help at all, then gets an eyeful of Gai's latest 'youthful' idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday, Sectordweller.
> 
> So… Clearing things up a bit because several people have asked.
> 
> Kakashi is _not_ an actual seer. He also has no intention of trying to maintain the timeline as he knows it. For one, that kind of went out the window when he accidentally got Danzo taken down while trying to warn his father a bit, hoping to save his life. For two, the first time around, things obviously _didn’t_ work out and he much prefers the way things are going this time around. For three, it simply doesn’t _occur_ to him to do so, in part because while he thinks he has all his memories and older personality, he’s still in a child’s body with a child’s mind that cannot handle that amount of information currently so he’s missing things he doesn’t know he’s missing as well as having what he does know filtered through a child’s mind. Granted, a rather mature, genius child, but Kakashi in canon as a child made some derpy decisions, and it’s not really any different here, despite all he’s aware of. For four, he _is_ smart enough to be aware that all those little changes in the world can add up to something he won’t see coming regardless. For instance, the S ranked Kumo nin never got near Konoha the first time around because there was a war going on. He has no idea how the changes will affect what Madara and Black Zetsu do, and because his first time around was only ‘close to’ canon, there were things he didn’t know that canon Kakashi probably would have.  
>  _(Continued in end notes.)_

“What a pretty little kitty.”

“Bet he’d purr real nice if you could coax him into your bed.”

Poemu’s ears flatten and he moves closer to Kakashi. He hates traders like these. They’ve kept their fingers clean in Konoha, but that doesn’t stop them from making comments when they come through, and for some reason he’s often a target of such comments when they do. He’s not sure why, either. His coloring is a bit unusual, but not spectacularly so. His red hair is dark and plain, his green eyes a dull, medium color. His features are extremely average, and he knows that next to Kakashi, he looks downright boring and forgettable. It’s at times like these that he wishes he had more than civilian-average animal characteristics and could growl like Kakashi can.

Kakashi’s ears twitch, then he looks at Poemu for a moment before his eyes move to the merchant traders making comments _just_ quietly enough that they can be overheard but still deny having said anything. Without a word, he hands Ena to Poemu, then hops up on top of the traders’ merchandise, without so much as disturbing any of it.

“You know,” he says with the fakest eye-smiles ever, “enticing children into sexual acts is illegal here. Talking about it could get you some _attention_ from our village, if you know what I mean. If you can’t refrain, I suggest you sell your wares to one of the local shops instead of hawking them yourselves. Hm?”

The two men pale, but one has the idiocy to try blustering despite the fact that Kakashi is obviously using chakra in order to not make a mess of their goods he’s standing on. “Who do you think you are, brat!?”

Kakashi cocks his head, then giggles. The sound sends shivers down Poemu’s spine. “Me? I’m the Hatake clan heir. I’m sure my father and our allied clans would find your opinions on the children of Konoha _simply fascinating_. Why, I think even our police force might take interest. Don’t you think, Uchiha-san?”

An Uchiha kunoichi walking by pauses, then visibly represses a groan when she spots who spoke, “Is there a problem that requires the attention of the Uchiha, Hatake-sama?”

“Saa…maybe? These two were making comments about how they’d like to get an underage citizen of Konoha into their beds.”

“I see.” Her tone cools abruptly and she turns a cold look on the traders. “Yourself, Hatake-sama?”

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t bother if it was about me, because I’m pretty sure my _shadows_ would report it to Hokage-sama and it would be discretely taken care of without my help.”

The kunoichi’s lips quirk in amusement. “You shouldn’t know they’re there.”

Kakashi gives her a wide-eyed innocent look that Poemu knows is 100% fake. “Why not? It’s not like they’re hiding their presence, right?”

She chuckles, then gives the two men a look of disdain. “As for you, merchant-sans, consider this your only warning. Such comments automatically make you of _interest_ in Konoha, and a note will be made in your file. You should count yourselves grateful that Hatake-sama was kind enough to warn you instead of taking insult over your…hm, _interest_ in his fiancé. Clans can be extremely touchy about their honor in such matters. You are fortunate. You _understand,_ correct?”

“Y-Yes, shinobi-san. Er, Uchiha-san.” The less brash of the pair stutters, both of them very pale now. The other nods jerkily.

“Excellent. Hatake-sama, where you and your fiancé expected somewhere soon?”

Kakashi jumps down lightly and looks up at her. “Saa, Tefuko kaa-san asked us to pick up some miso and eggs, but she doesn’t need them for a couple hours yet.”

“Then perhaps I could escort you to make your report to Fugaku-sama on this matter? I’m certain he would be interested in _speaking_ with you.”

Poemu gets the distinct feeling that he’s missing something in this conversation. Well, beyond the ANBU Kakashi apparently knows are following him around and Poemu hasn’t noticed _at all,_ not even now that he _knows_ they’re there. He’ll have to ask Kakashi if he can teach him how to notice them.

Kakashi frowns briefly, then nods. “Okay, Uchiha-san. That would be kind of you.”

So they find themselves escorted to, not the Police Station as Poemu had expected from the cryptic conversation, but to the home of the Uchiha clan head. Even more surprising, they are greeted graciously and offered tea.

He almost spits his tea out when Fugaku-sama asks Kakashi, “Do you have any advice for me?”

Kakashi frowns, then sighs. “I’m not an _actual_ seer, you know.”

_Seer? Why do the Uchiha think Kakashi is a seer?_

 Fugaku-sama’s lips quirk slightly, somehow conveying amused disbelief. “Of course. However, I’m sure you understand how much perception can affect how people listen, so if you have any wisdom for me, it would be appreciated.”

Ena yips, startling Kakashi a little. He stares at her for a long moment, then his exasperated look dissolves into slight amusement. “Saa…I know the Uchiha are a noble clan and a founding clan, but your pride can be used against you. Public opinion has as much power as clan politics. Uzushio had skills as fearsome as the Uchihas, and yet…”

He trails off.

Poemu doesn’t understand why Fugaku-sama looks sick for a moment. He doesn’t really understand this cryptic conversation at all, and he’s pretty sure he _doesn’t want to_.

Then Kakashi looks at him. “Poemu, can you…um, not listen to what I say next? Please?”

“I have four ears and only two hands.” He reminds him drily. “But I won’t repeat it if you don’t want me to.”

Kakashi nods, looking grateful, then gives Fugaku-sama a grim look that doesn’t match any of his normal expressions. “Your clansman you thought long-dead is not. He is an enemy of Konoha and the Uchiha are a strength of Konoha. But he is not the enemy you should be most wary of. I don’t… I don’t _know_ , but he-it may have tampered with information only the Uchiha have. I don’t know if it can be stopped or killed, but I do think it fears the Uchiha. Else why…?” He breaks off with a grimace. “I’m not a seer. That-That probably can’t happen with thief gone. But it- It hates humans and it’s dangerous. It may find another way to rid itself of the Uchiha if it can.”

Fugaku-sama blanches and looks both fascinated and horrified. “And what will happen if ‘it’ succeeds?”

“I don’t know. But probably the world will end. Again.”

Poemu is pretty sure his expression is even more startled than Fugaku-sama’s. _Again!? No. No, he really **doesn’t** want to know. He is absolutely not going to ask. **Ever.**_

Ena’s confused whine breaks the tension and Fugaku-sama schools his face into a blanker expression.

“I see. Thank you for your advice. The Uchiha owe you a debt.”

Kakashi sighs again, this time softly. “No. I don’t think you do. I’m _not_ a seer, and I really wish people would quit thinking I am.”

“Hn.”

From Kakashi’s expression, he gathers that Fugaku-sama’s response was _not_ agreement and decides to give his friend an out from more awkwardness and cryptic conversations he’s obviously uncomfortable having. “U-Um. I don’t want to be r-rude, but…your kaa-san w-will be expecting us back pretty soon, ne, Kakashi?”

“Hai. If you’ll excuse us, Fugaku-sama, we need to finish shopping for Tefuko kaa-san before she starts preparing dinner.”

The Uchiha clan head inclines his head. “Of course. It was kind of you to take the time to speak with me. I will not keep you and your friend longer.”

“You know…” Poemu remarks after they are outside and well out of earshot. “I think I’d rather ignore creepy comments than have tea and weird conversations with clan heads.”

“Sorry.” Kakashi says simply, tone rueful.

~

Poemu is uncertain why the school suddenly has a ‘supplemental teacher’ who happens to be one of the Hokage’s students, though he has a suspicion. The last week, every class has been thoroughly tested in all subjects by Orochimaru sensei, and today is the day they find out how they do.

Orochimaru sensei finally looks up from the papers on his desk, with an annoyed expression.

“Kakashi Hatake, Poemu son of Taki. Get out of my class and don’t come back.”

“S-Sensei-?”

Before he can ask why, Kakashi is up and out of his desk, dragging Poemu along and out of the classroom with surprising speed for someone who was literally asleep a few seconds prior.

“K-Kakashi, what-? Wh-Why did he kick us out? Did we d-do something wrong?” Poemu has never been treated like that by a teacher before, and honestly finds it very humiliating.

“Maa, maa, it’s not like that. He’s just here to teach the kids who need help because they’re behind where they should be. Probably some of the clan kids will get exempted too, but you’re probably the only civilian born one who is.”

“Oh. And that’s…good?”

“Well, yes. Unless you wanted to waste your time reviewing subjects under a teacher who thinks you’re an idiot for needing his class?”

Poemu grimaces. “Not really. U-Um. What should we do with the extra time?”

Class times have been shuffled a bit to make way for the supplemental classes, so they have an hour left before lunchtime. Kakashi shrugs and flops down.

“Well, I’m going to nap. You can practice, do homework, or nap too, if you want.”

Homework sounds like a good idea, actually. There’s not much of it, but it’s always hard to find time for it around home and even harder around classes and practices. And Kakashi’s right here to bother if he needs help.

True to Kakashi’s prediction, a dazed looking Uchiha, an indifferent looking Nara, and a miffed looking Kurama come wandering out within moments, clearly also having been kicked out of class. He recognizes them as those who are at the top of the class, above him as he struggles a bit with the more advanced material, but below Kakashi, because Kakashi is stupidly good at _everything_ even with skipping to a higher grade midyear.

“I don’t get it! How did we fail so badly that he kicked us out!?” the Kurama bursts out indignantly after a few moments pass.

The Nara girl snorts. “We didn’t fail. We passed. It’s a _supplemental_ class. If we’d failed, we’d have had to take it.”

“What? But it’s taught by the Hokage’s student!”

“Hn.”

The Nara girl sighs in exasperation and sits down on the other side of Kakashi. “That’s only because he’s considered impartial enough to not favor anyone just because they’re from a clan. He doesn’t _respect_ anyone who doesn’t live up to his standards of intelligence and knowledge. Which is pretty much everyone. I feel sorry for those who had to stay in his classes.”

The Kurama boy looks torn on whether he should believe her or not. The Uchiha girl demands, “Is that true, Hatake?”

Kakashi opens his blue eye. “Of course. What did you think ‘supplemental’ means? Can I nap now, or do I need to answer more obvious questions?”

“Hmph.” She replies and looks away, then walks off to start practicing katas.

The Kurama boy lets out a sound of utter frustration, but doesn’t reply, instead going to the training posts to practice his throwing skills.

The Nara girl just rolls her eyes and pulls a book out of her bag and starts reading.

Kakashi closes his eye again and promptly goes back to napping, Ena sprawled on his chest.

Poemu smiles slightly and goes back to his homework.

~

“Kakashi! My eternal rival!”

“Yo.” Kakashi says without opening his eyes.

“I have good news! I have been able to get into the supplemental classes!”

“That’s nice, Gai.”

“Eternal rival?” Poemu asks, knowing he sounds faintly hurt. _Who is this **strange** boy he’s never met? And why is Kakashi tolerating him so easily despite how **loud** he is?_

Kakashi opens one eye to look at him. “Do you _want_ to be my rival?”

_Well that… Okay, yeah. No. He can live with using Kakashi as long as he doesn’t object, he can deal with being Kakashi’s friend despite his cluelessness, he can even accept being mistaken as his boyfriend or fiancé, but rival? No thanks._ “No.”

“Well then.”

_Okay, so he’s being silly and overreacting to the faintly fond note in Kakashi’s tone._ Just because Kakashi doesn’t _recognize_ friendship, doesn’t mean he doesn’t _have_ any friendships. Or in this case, ‘rivalry’. Although he’s fairly certain this is a case of ‘two socially stupid people being friends in weird ways’.

“Eternal rival! Your friend is most gracious and-”

Poemu can mark the exact second Kakashi makes the mistake of _looking_ at Gai.

He cringes, claps his hands over his eyes, and curls up in a little ball, upper ears flattened, whimpering.

_Okay, so maybe that’s **not** Gai’s usual outfit. Maybe there’s hope for him yet._

“Eternal rival? Kakashi? What’s wrong? Should I get a teacher?”

_“Pinkandorange,ohmykami,whatdidIdotodeservethis?Andpurple,noooo!”_ Kakashi replies in a sobbing whine run so together as to be unintelligible.

Poemu clears his throat. “Um, Gai-san. About the mask-”

“Isn’t it youthful!? Kakashi pointed out that I had been practicing humility too harshly, so I decided that I should go about it the way he does!”

_Riiiight. Okaaaay, then._

“About the color-”

“They were out of orange and green, but it is colored most youthfully, don’t you agree?”

He sighs and pinches his nose, because this kid is inexplicably _worse_ than a pack of fangirls. “Gai-san, if you would let me finish my sentences, I would appreciate it.”

“Oh! Of course! My apologies for being so rude, Kakashi’s friend!”

“Yes, well. You’re probably not going to like what I have to say, but I don’t think Kakashi will stop that unless you take off the mask. To be honest, your _neon pink and purple_ mask makes you look like a colorblind whore who decided to become a bandit, and I believe that there are much better ways that you could practice being humble in moderation.”

Gai _droops_. “I…I see. So it doesn’t suit me.” He sounds very, very sad.

“I don’t think it would suit _anyone_ , Gai-san. Have you ever considered wearing blue or black instead of orange? You never see Kakashi wearing bright colors, do you?”

“I see! That is true!” Gai perks up, then promptly droops again. “But I want to be a great ninja like my tou-san, so I want to wear the same thing he does.”

_Is he **serious**!? His father actually wears the same obnoxious outfit!? Minus the tye-dyed mask, apparently._ But obviously he _is_ serious.

“Why can’t you just wear the same outfit in different colors? Would your tou-san be mad?”

Gai’s eyes widen and he pulls off the mask, dropping it absently. “That is such a youthful observation, rival’s friend! I can see what my eternal rival sees in you! You are very wise! I will speak with my tou-san about it immediately!”

Poemu blinks after him, because _what!?_ “Kakashi, he’s gone.”

Kakashi uncovers his eyes cautiously, uncurls a bit, spots the discarded mask and promptly uses a fire jutsu he probably shouldn’t know yet to burn it beyond salvaging. Then moans, “Oh, kami. My eyes. I will never be able to unsee that.”

“Is he always so…enthusiastic?”

“Just be glad he hasn’t started capitalizing ‘eternal rival’ and ‘youthful’ yet.” Kakashi mutters. “This is my punishment for encouraging him. My poor, poor eyes. I shudder to think of what he’ll come up with next.”

“Uh-huh.” It’s rare to see Kakashi acting whiny and melodramatic. In fact, he can’t recall ever seeing him do so in such a spectacular manner. Much as Gai’s outfit burned his eyes, the sheer amusement of seeing Kakashi act his age was worth it.

So what Gai comes up with next? Well, honestly, he _can’t wait_ to see, because Kakashi’s reaction is sure to be hilarious.

He _probably_ shouldn’t mention that to Kakashi, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glitches:   
>  The animal characteristics are basically a glitch in the rewrite. Even civilians have a second set of ears, while shinobi families often have more traits. It’s not important. But it has and continues to affect history in little ways.   
>  The few people randomly in history who’ve gotten ‘memories’ and may be seen as ‘seers’ or ‘oracles’ are actually folks who randomly got a few, very fuzzy versions of their strongest memories from the first time around. Naturally these tend to focus around traumatic events, and their warnings tend to be rare and very vague. The Hatake ‘seers’ got a stronger, clearer version of such memories, but again, only of things that affected them strongly, almost without fail traumatic events. Since most people don’t live a life of constant tragedy, most ‘seers’ only have 1-5 such ‘memories’ and thus warnings to give. There is rarely any expectation that they will have continued insights. Their ‘memories’ are also much less clear and complete than Kakashi has, because he’s the only time traveler, but they are clearer than the random few others who’ve gotten a few ‘memories’, because there’s a kind of ‘echo back’ effect from being related to Kakashi by blood and chakra. Because they aren’t terribly clear, it comes across as being a seer and the Hatake ‘seers’ have gotten a reputation, that ignoring their warnings ‘results in tragedy’. The problem being, of course, that it can be very difficult to separate simple imaginative worry from someone giving a warning. So many of the warnings are ignored as paranoia. So the Hatake have developed a habit of watching for the small signs of difference and take them quite seriously. This does result in the occasional intuitive person being mistaken for a seer if they give a semi-logical warning that proves true. The only ‘true’ seers in this story (who probably won’t be encountered by the characters) are the canonical line of priestesses in the Land of Demons.
> 
> Kakashi doesn’t claim to be a seer, and will deny it if it’s stated or heavily implied, but there are things that are largely independent of his actions that he does have opportunities to ‘fix’ and he’s not above using the assumptions of others to help him in this, even when he denies it directly. He also makes assumptions about some things he remembers staying the same because he doesn’t think his actions have had any effect on them, when they indirectly have. Sometimes this will come back to bite him. And yes, I troll Kakashi about as often as he trolls others. And no, he didn’t actually think Danzo had a ‘smell of rot’. He wanted to expose him, knew that trying would be pointless because who believes a little kid over a respected elder? So he was being petty, filtered through his 4yr old mind, because he was feeling vastly thwarted. He had no way of knowing about the ‘seers’ and no idea that his intentionally vague pettiness would be taken as a seer’s warning, which have often been more than a little vague.
> 
> Also, the Hatake have as part of their contract with Konoha that, if a Hatake ‘seer’ gives a warning, the Hatakes can withdraw from doing missions and still get paid a sufficient stipend until the matter is addressed properly. Basically a legal form of blackmail, but because of their reputation, one that the founders approved without hesitation.


	8. Ears, Love declarations, and Tests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Curiosity about ears, Poemu turns down a proposal, and intentionally sneaky tests.

Kakashi stares at Orochimaru curiously. The man smells faintly of snakes, but he had the first time around, too, because of his summons. He still hasn’t quite figured out how this ‘second set of ears’ thing works out as a whole. The Hyuuga and Uchiha and Senju have feathered strips, largely hidden by their hair that covers theirs. The Kurama have ridiculously oversized fox ears. The Aburame have some sort of iridescent chitin strip at their temples, but it doesn’t actually function as ‘ears’, apparently they have some sort of sensory organs similar to beetles in their arms and legs that _function_ as extra ears, more or less. The Akamichi, Inuzuka, Hatake and Gai are all dog types. Poemu and Amara sensei are cat types. He still hasn’t been able to spot Orochimaru’s, though.

“Do you even _have_ a second set of ears?”

Orochimaru pauses in writing notes, looks at him for a moment. Then he parts his hair a bit behind the temple, and picks up Kakashi’s hand, guiding it to the spot so he can feel.

_Oh, there’s a scale._

“Yes and no. Snakes have partially developed hearing organs, and mostly ‘hear’ the lower sounds that can cause vibrations. Because I have chakra, I can hear the normal range of sounds too with them, and while they’re far from as sharp as your hearing, they are excellent for sensing vibrations. It is nearly impossible to sneak up on me even when I’m asleep and not paying any particular attention.” Orochimaru pauses, then laughs in genuine amusement. “The disappointed look on your face is priceless.”

Kakashi snatches his hand back and looks away sulkily. _Of course, with his luck, nature has made Orochimaru **harder** to take out this time around if he goes rogue._

The snake laughs again and goes back to making notes.

~

“Amara sensei?”

The Nara clan head’s wife tilts her head curiously.

“What are the Naras? They aren’t cats, like you are.”

She smiles mysteriously. “Hm. And what does your nose tell you, kit?”

 _He’s not a kit, but he’s gotten used to it by now, so he ignores her calling him that._ It’s harder to tell with humans, since the human scent is stronger than that the animal characteristics impart, and even harder with civilians, who generally have much weaker traits to begin with. “I don’t know. Scavenger, but not quite? But not prey, not big predator. Dangerous.”

“Very good.” She praises. “Naras have some honey badger traits. Honey badgers are omnivores and mostly hunt small prey, but they’ve been known to eat corpses or kill steal from large predators. Most large predators do not consider them prey, and those who attempt it usually do not succeed. They are also very intelligent as far as animals go.”

Kakashi grimaces. “But Naras raise deer?”

She gives him an amused look. “Humans are intelligent, omnivorous, dangerous predators too, you know.”

 _Saa, he can’t argue that._ It is just…easy to forget when it came to the Nara. Most of them aren’t half as lazy as Shikaku, _(much less Shikamaru),_ but many of them do seem to be rather limp when not in motion and move in slow motion when nothing critical is happening. “Oh.”

“Ready to try that technique yet?”

Kakashi startles, then gives her a sheepish look. “No, sorry, Amara sensei. I got distracted.”

“Get back to studying then.” She orders mildly, flicking one of his upper ears and ignoring his small whine of affront. _Not the ears, sensei!_

~

Gai is…

Kakashi stops and rubs his eyes, but the sight doesn’t change. He mutters ‘Kai!’ softly, but there is no genjutsu to shatter.

_Huh._

Gai is wearing a black jumpsuit with blue accessories. Granted, _sky blue_ , but _blue_ instead of _orange_. It honestly makes him look a little bit like an emo field flower, but… _So, so much better than green and orange, much less the **monstrosity that will be forgotten** that had included a tie-dyed neon pink and purple face mask._

Tears of joy start to Kakashi’s eyes, and he turns to Poemu with the intention of giving a Gai-hug of utter joy.

_Poemu dodges, apparently on reflex, giving him a leery look._

He ends up hugging his ankles instead. “Poemu! I love you! You’re a miracle worker! Marry me!”

His red-haired comrade makes a complicated face that Kakashi translates easily as _‘Not ever in this lifetime’._

“U-Um. N-No. I have no intention of marrying you just because you can’t talk your way out of a paper bag in a rainstorm unless you’re causing t-trouble.”

Kakashi buries a laugh against Poemu’s shoes, shoulders shaking.

A hand gingerly touches his shoulder then gives him a firm pat of encouragement. “Kakashi, it was most youthful of you to confess your feelings with such vigor, but…” There is a pause, then Gai says brightly, “Eternal rival, I will help you recover! I will ask my tou-san to make us chili! You will feel most refreshed and restore your youthful spirit!”

He shudders at the offer, because he remembers Gai’s chili from the first time around and… Well, if Gai’s father cooks anything like Gai, one pot will have enough spice to lay an entire army low.

Poemu huffs in amusement. “Kakashi, q-quit faking and tell Gai-san what you think of his outfit.”

Kakashi sighs, then rolls over enough to look up at Gai and give him a thumbs up. “Much more elegant. It looks…nice on you.”

Gai leaps upright with a fist pump. “Yosh! I will be the Elegant Black Beast of Konoha!”

“Er… That’s nice, Gai.”

_Somehow he has the funny feeling that Gai is going to end up with an even stranger reputation this time around._

~

Kakashi shares a look of annoyance with Poemu. Barely a new school year and they’re already being moved up another year? _Someone_ is certainly determined to see Kakashi graduate early.

It happens twice more that month, and again two months later. He is thoroughly annoyed and Poemu, while very intelligent, is struggling a bit with the quick, successive advancements.

They deliberately fail exactly 50% of the next two tests. The teacher takes the hint. There are no more sneaky placement tests for the rest of the year.

Two days before the end of the school year, Poemu is called away by the teacher to speak in private. He returns a few minutes later, looking dazed, a hitai-ate in hand. Kakashi gives the teacher a venomous glare that makes the man look the faintest bit guilty. That doesn’t stop him from calling Kakashi away in turn, and Kakashi is wise enough to know when he’s been had and give in graciously. For a given value of gracious, of course. He can’t exactly hang Poemu out to dry after all the help he’s been. However, that doesn’t mean he can’t make his opinion of the scam _very, very clear_ without saying a word.

He performs the required ‘basic three’ flawlessly. Easy for him, since he’s been able to do them passably since he was _four_. Then he accepts the hitai-ate with a saccharine eyesmile, leaking wisps of killing intent as he thanks the teacher.

Of course he has no intention of _harming_ the teacher, but he’s _positive_ that his father and his friends will be downright _fascinated_ with the man’s ability to enact deception. It’s such a _useful_ skill for infiltration, after all.

Kakashi is somehow _not surprised at all_ when he and Poemu are assigned to the same team, presumably with the ‘dead last’ of the graduating year, given the miserable looks the civilian girl gives them. He _is_ surprised, however, when their jounin sensei shows up.

He stares.

At… Well. _He has no idea who this jounin is._

The unassuming looking man is _definitely not_ Minato sensei, though.

He looks them over, then crosses his arms and sighs, amusement crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Hey, brats. So you’re who they pulled me out of retirement for. Akio Hara, jounin sensei. Now introduce yourselves and we’ll get to the test to see if any of you have what it _really_ takes.”

 _‘Any of you’?_ Kakashi’s eyes narrow. _Tricky._ “Saa, I’m Kakashi Hatake. 7 years old. I like ninken, eggplant, and my friends. I hate sweets, traitors, and people who use underhanded methods to try to force me into things. And my goal for the future is to live until I’m 94 and die in bed of old age with one of Jiraiya-sama’s brilliant Icha Icha books. My hobby is thwarting the Council’s schemes to make me their pet ninja assassin.” He gives Akio sensei a particularly obnoxious eyesmile, just because he can, when the man chokes slightly at the last two things. “And this is Ena, my first ninken. She can’t talk yet. She likes my friends and family and fresh rabbits, dislikes people who try to touch her or me without permission, her goals are learning to talk and…other things, her hobby is biting people we don’t trust.”

Poemu gives him a look, then says in a bland tone, “I’m Poemu, son of Taki the grocer. 7 years old. I like learning and my friends. I dislike being pushed through lessons because of other people’s knowledge. I hate people who try to use me against my friends and face masks in pink and purple. My goal is…well, I have some. And my hobbies are learning and making people regret trying to use me against others.”

Akio sensei blinks at him with raised eyebrows but doesn’t comment.

Their last teammate takes a deep breath, then blurts, “I’m Ume Matsuo, 13 years old, and I’ve failed this test last year. I like mochi and using chakra. I don’t like failing at everything. My goal for the future is to become a respected chunin so my grandmother can be proud of me, and uh, my hobby is…training, I guess.”

“Very well. Now, I will be hiding somewhere in the village. Your goal for the test is to find me at least three times or capture me once. You have until sundown to do so. Good luck.” He claps his hands together, then disappears in a puff of smoke.

Ena sneezes.

“Shadow clone.” Kakashi observes. He looks at Poemu’s dry expression, and Ume’s timid one. _Well, this ought to be interesting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed that I flubbed and gave Akio and Ume the same last name. ~~I didn't notice because when I looked it up different times I found different definitions.~~ I think what I did was look up names and then transposed the meaning from one to another since I was really tired. Anyways, think I've figured out which one it was really supposed to be, so I've fixed that now.
> 
> Uchiha clan: Demoiselle cranes  
> Hyuuga clan: Black necked cranes  
> Uzumaki clan: Grey crested cranes  
> Senju clan: Black crested cranes  
> Minato Namikaze: Northern Goshawk  
> Nara clan: Honeybadgers  
> Amara Nara: Black cat ears and tail  
> Sarutobi clan: Monkeys  
> Kurama clan: Fennec Foxes  
> Aburame clan: Rather than ‘upper ears’, they have a kind of iridescent strip of chitin at the temples and extra sensory organs in their arms and legs that let them sense vibrations more clearly.  
> Akamichi clan: Red setter  
> Hatake clan: Husky  
> Gai Maito: Shiny black canine ears  
> Poemu: Dull-toned dark red cat ears  
> Inuzuka clan: Large terrier type  
> Orochimaru’s clan (Tōken): Snake type. Yes, I decided to give Orochimaru a clan name. It’s ‘sword’ because both he and his older son use a sword. And his Kusanagi is impressive enough that it’s likely an heirloom.
> 
> When parents are different ‘order’ or ‘family’ or ‘genera’, the child will inherit the animal characteristics from one or the other, not a mix. However, mixed coloration is sometimes seen as a result.  
> Such as foxes and dogs are both canines _(same family, different genera),_ but a child will have only fox or only dog ears/characteristics, but may have foxlike coloration if they inherit dog ears, or vice a versa.  
>  Or if a bird type and a dog type have a kid, the kid will not have feathered dog ears, for instance, they will have feathers or dog ears, but if the parents say had ‘white feathers’ and ‘black dog ears’, the child could have ‘black feathers’ or ‘white dog ears’, though it would be more common that the child would inherit ‘white feathers’ or ‘black dog ears’.  
> However, for types that are the same species, such as a ‘floppy dog ears’ and ‘pointy dog ears’, a mix of the two characteristics is entirely possibly, though less common than simply inheriting one or the other.
> 
> Large or old clans tend to have more dominant genetics, so within those clans, there tends to be a consistency of the children inheriting the known clan characteristics even if one parent isn’t from the clan. Some clans have to be more careful about it than others, as their genetics aren’t as dominant. Animal traits may or may not be related to clan techniques or kekkai genkai, and sometimes the coloration of the animal traits contrasts startlingly with their hair and/or skin coloration, while in other cases it matches closely. The traits may or may not match a family/clan’s temperament.  
> And, because canon implies it, summoning contracts kept in the family can affect the animal traits after a couple generations. For instance, Orochimaru’s family likely did not start off generations ago with snake characteristics.
> 
> Also, very, very rarely, a new characteristic may pop up out of nowhere, such as cat ears in a family of dog eared types who’ve always married dog eared types. Or a goshawk type in a clan of all crane types. However, this is _usually_ the result of someone sneaking around and lying about who the other parent is. Not always, of course, and there have been cases proven to be entirely impossible to have been the result of cheating.  
>  Still, unless there’s a summoning contract involved, such ‘sports’ are regarded with some hesitancy (or disdain) in many cases, due to the fact that _yes, usually_ one (or both) of the parents is lying through their teeth.  
>  In most such cases, however, it’s simply ‘accepted’ in order to keep the peace within a family. Though things can and do get nasty in cases of inheritances of land, wealth, power, etc. Mostly this is seen in noble families or ninja clans, as most people can’t be bothered to stick to ‘their own type’ and thus have a mixture of types within the family to begin with, so much so that proving a ‘sport’ would be nearly impossible. Even in many ninja families/clans it would be difficult to prove the difference between a ‘sport’ and a recessive gene popping up from a married-in ancestor.  
> Mammal types are by far the most common of animal traits, followed by much less common avian types.


	9. Clan business, and Pranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fugaku is a stagey bastard, and Team 9 decides to scam Akio sensei's test.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the flashback, JKblue. ;) Enjoy~

**FLASHBACK**

Fugaku looks over his assembled clan, noting the curiosity and tension in equal measure. Not even the elders know why he called this meeting. He had informed the Hokage that there was going to be a private clan religious celebration and asked him not to observe with his crystal ball, and had gotten an only slightly curious agreement. It is not, of course, one of their religious observances, but it is set up like the less solemn ones, torches lit against encroaching evening, and bonfires laid, ready to be lit when full dark falls.

“What I called you all here tonight for is Clan business. You will not speak of it with those outside the clan, nor within hearing of others. You will not convey it by other means. Any leak will be traced to its source and the offender will get full punishment under clan law, regardless of position. Am I clear?”

There are a lot of gasps and indrawn breaths, faces going grim, and soft mutters.

“Yes, Fugaku-sama.” Is the general reply, some hesitant, some resolved, some wary.

“And what if the Hokage or the Councilors inquire?” Someone asks instead, tone daring him to answer. _Oh great, Daichi_. The other man always has to find some way to challenge authority. Well, it’s not as though he hadn’t expected _someone_ to ask.

“The Council has no right to this information. If the Hokage enquires, refer him to me, and I shall give him the information the clan can afford to share.” He says harshly. There is no room for conflicting versions to be floating around. Not in this.

The mutters die down and he breathes deeply before speaking again. “I enquired of the Hatake seer if he had any advice for the Uchiha.”

Fugaku pauses to let this sink in. There are some confused faces in the crowd, but those better informed lean over and whisper its significance to them. Mostly there are murmurs of surprise and worry, because they had not realized that the Hatake had a seer again, and for Fugaku to call this meeting after speaking with him… Well.

“He did, in fact, have wisdom for us. The favor he asks in return is simply that we do not speak of his abilities.” Again, he pauses, because this is important. It needs to be remembered. A Hatake seer need do nothing to obtain revenge when crossed, other than not speak when they could. And young Kakashi had obviously been reluctant to speak in the first place.

“The Uchiha _will_ honor this. We _will not_ dishonor this boon.” By their faces, he can see that even Daichi and the other clan idiots understand. “He spoke of how we, the Uchiha, are a noble clan, a founding clan, but to remember that our pride and public opinion can be turned against us. He bade me remember the power of Uzushiokagure, whose skill was on par with our own, if in different ways, and to remember what became of them. I felt it was strange advice, for are we not a part of Konoha? And yet, we _are_ a proud clan, a powerful clan, and Uzushio’s destruction was sudden and unforeseen.”

He gives them time, to whisper and conjecture, then holds up his hand for silence when people start asking questions.

“This is not all. He spoke of two enemies unknown to us. The first who is a kinsman thought long dead, who is not. Who is an enemy of Konoha, and thus of the Uchiha who are the strength of Konoha. I believe, although I have no proof, that he was referring to Madara, whose body was never recovered because we believed it destroyed in his battle with the Shodaime.

 _“However,”_ Fugaku emphasizes before a commotion can start up, knowing people are not likely to listen well to the rest once they rile themselves up over _that_ possibility. “He spoke of another enemy, of whom we should be more wary. A creature who both fears and has targeted the Uchiha, who may be unkillable or immortal, and may have managed to compromise the clan’s secret records. Whose plan to rid itself of the Uchiha _‘probably can’t happen’_ without _‘the thief’._ I believe from his tone that he did not consider ‘the thief’ to be an issue any longer. However, he bade me to remember that it may find other ways to _‘rid itself of the Uchiha’._ ”

This time the reaction is anything but quiet, and it is several minutes before people realize that there’s no way for him to answer any questions with all the shouting and talking, and there is enough of a lull that he can hear himself think again.

“Fugaku-sama, this…creature, what are its goals? What does it gain from destroying our clan?” Fumi, the oldest of the elders asks into the lull.

“I do not know, but the seer’s opinion is that it has something to fear from us to target us in such a manner, something unique to the Uchiha. And when I asked what would happen if it succeeded…” Fugaku winces at the memory, at the oddly specific answer. “He said the world would end. And spoke as if he expected to see it happen, for it to be within our lifetime.”

Somehow he is unsurprised when the furor rises even more quickly and loudly than before. _This is going to be a long night._

~

“So,” Kakashi begins after a brief check to make sure there’s no one within listening distance. “This test is about teamwork. If we don’t pass, we won’t be kept together as a team. They’ll probably make me sensei’s apprentice. Poemu, I don’t know if they’ll try keeping you together with me or separating you into a different type of team. Ume, they might think you have some hidden potential to put you on this team after you failed once, but if you fail again, you’ll be stuck in the Genin Corps for years, maybe forever if you can’t get a field promotion. Or it might be a ploy of the Council, expecting you to be the weak link so the team fails and they have an excuse to separate us permanently. So we’re going to do the one thing they _don’t_ expect.”

“What’s that?” Ume asks, looking and sounding like she wants to cry.

“P-Pass as a team?” Poemu offers, diffidently.

“Exactly. So what skills do we have?”

“Saa, I-I’m manipulative and basically fade into the background.”

Kakashi nods. “And I’m lazy and too noticeable.”

Ume stares at them for a moment, then giggles. “I’m bad at everything and blurt things out when I shouldn’t.”

“Good, good. So what’s the most awkward, lazy, and manipulative way we can prank our sensei?”

~

Hiruzen looks up in interest as Akio Hara limps into his office around noon, one foot covered in mud up to the ankle, both legs splattered in red paint from approximately the knee down as if attacked from behind, and his front plastered in pink glitter and feathers from head to waist, wearing a slightly grim expression.

“Ahh, yes, you tested your team today, did you not? What’s you’re assessment of them, Akio?”

“I would have _appreciated_ some warning that they were a trio of little monsters, Hiruzen- _sama!”_ Akio says with a growl in his voice, very unusual for the normally even-tempered jounin. “Team 9, pass.”

He slams his hand onto Hiruzen’s desk, leaving behind a set of notes.

Hiruzen raises a brow then picks up the first one.

The handwriting is cutesy in a way that is easy to tell it’s likely written by a young girl. It reads,   
***That’s one, sensei!*** It’s signed with a peach blossom in pink glitter.

Curious, he picks up the next one. The characters on this one are much neater and precise, with a caricature of cat ears for a signature.   
***Found you, sensei.***   

The last is written in a loose, if nominally legible style that practically screams amusement.   
***This is three, sensei.  
P.S. We got tired of waiting for you, so we went for lunch at Kaida’s Sushi Bar. You can join us if you find this before 1pm. After that we’re going shopping to get Ume and Poemu proper gear. Aren’t you proud of us?*** It’s signed with a henohenohemoji.

“Hm. Should I ask exactly _what_ they did to you?” He asks, knowing his own amusement is poorly hidden.

Akio gives him a grimace that looks like it’s torn between a snarl and almost-paternal pride. “First, I walked into a jounin level genjutsu that I didn’t notice until the civilian girl who asked to shake my hand said she recognized me because of my hitai-ate, despite the fact that I was under a civilian henge at the time, then promptly exploded and left the note behind in my hand. Apparently, I shook hands with a trapped pillow, and the genjutsu was targeted specifically to me.

“Second, a bunch of pre-Academy brats stampeded up behind me while I was under a different henge and threw paint balloons at me, then continued to run past. The last brat stopped long enough to give me the note, before following the rest of the herd.

“Third, I nearly was caught by a rather clever rope trap on 4th Street in san-chome, and when I substituted for a nearby branch, ended up in an apparently naturally occurring sinkhole under the street bricks caused by, from best that I can tell, a leak from a nearby water line, thus one foot landing in mud. After I regained my balance, but before I moved to get out of the sinkhole, a timed henge expired and a rock approximately half a foot from the edge turned into the last note.

“I gave them the instruction that they were to find me three times or capture me once before sundown. Instead, they _pranked me successfully_ three times, and I saw hide nor hair of them the entire time.

“Quite honestly, Hiruzen- _sama,_ I would’ve appreciated not being given deliberately biased information on the three little monsters. The _only hint_ of suggestion of what I was in for was the mention of the Hatake menace _napping_ on the ceiling after a teacher tried to manhandle him, and his civilian friend _innocently_ making a comment that his class passed on to their parents which resulted in the civilian parents being riled up enough that you made your own student a teacher to rectify any perceived holes in education within the Academy. There is _nothing_ on the girl to suggest that she is anything but a subpar student with self-esteem issues, which is _clearly wrong!”_

Hiruzen coughs, then takes a drag on his pipe to give himself a moment before replying. “As far as I’m aware, young Ume has no specific skills or talent and was only given a second chance because she was the only one of her teammates from her first attempt to actually _try_ teamwork and it was thought that her personality would mesh well with young Kakashi’s.

“We have been aware for a while that Kakashi’s skill and knowledge is above what he chooses to display, but that little incident and the incident with the Kumo nin a while back are the only displays of that which we have any sort of proof for.

“As for young Poemu, I have suspected for some time that his so called innocent comment was anything but unintended in its affect. We have been aware that he has been receiving help from Kakashi, but other than what he has displayed at school, we do not know the extent of it.”

He pauses and takes another drag on his pipe. “This is classed as an A ranked secret, but as you have passed them, I will entrust it to you. Kakashi is a Hatake seer, and an unusually gifted one at that, though it is unlikely that he is actually aware of being one, given Sakumo’s unwillingness to speak of it in front of him. I personally believe that he has assimilated some information from visions and implemented it at times, as he has demonstrated advanced knowledge of ANBU emergency codes and you will likely find that he is the one responsible for the high-level genjutsu you walked into, as he certainly has the chakra control for it. Amara Nara has been training him in medical ninjutsu since the age of four, when he spontaneously attempted with some success to keep his father’s ninken from bleeding out after an attack on their home by Danzo’s Ne while he was being held for trial.”

Akio sputters, goes pale, curses creatively, turns slightly green, then red, and then sighs like someone just killed his favorite goldfish. “No wonder you pulled me out of retirement. You needed someone unbiased. That certainly explains Kakashi’s goal to ‘thwart the Council’s plan to make him their pet assassin’. I cannot _believe_ you gave me a fucking Hatake _damned_ seer! He was the source behind Danzo’s downfall?”

Hiruzen grimaces himself. “Yes. Said he ‘smelled of incurable rot’. Sakumo dragged him in here about two seconds later and had him repeat it for me, before enacting _that_ clause in the Hatake contract with Konoha. Then went out and made himself alliances with various prominent clans, so of course _they_ know, too. Or at least their Clan heads do.”

Akio hisses in sympathy, then glowers at him. “And _you_ decided to drag _me_ into this mess? You _owe me,_ Hiruzen- _sama!”_

He winces. “Yes, of course. Within reason.”

After Akio leaves, muttering under his breath about monster brats, Hiruzen smokes his pipe for a few minutes, contemplating how big a favor Akio will be inclined to call in. _Probably a very large one_. This calls for something stronger than a nice smoke. He pulls out Jiraiya’s newest book, the first in a series he can _just tell_ is going to be a best seller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the FLASHBACK:  
>  Yes, Fugaku is being a stagey bastard, but he has a reason for it. He’s trying to get the import across to a crowd of stubborn Uchihas. And for all that Kakashi was deliberately vague, as far as ‘seer’ warnings go, his are on the unusually clear side, even for a ‘Hatake seer’, which is extremely alarming, as the clearer warnings tend to be of _worse_ disasters, even if they don’t sound like it to begin with.  
>  Only Kakashi knows that what he knows is from memories of a previous future, everyone else is working off of the fairly reasonable historical assumption of ‘seers/oracles’ and the ‘Hatake seer’ reputation.   
>  Kakashi, however, not aware of how he is regarded by those ‘in the know’ about him being a ‘Hatake seer’. His only knowledge of ‘seers’ is the Priestess from the Land of Demons and ‘crackpots making good guesses’ and some of the ‘Sage prophecies’. He knows he’s not any of those, but is assuming that ‘crackpots making good guesses’ have somehow gotten a better reputation this time around, and really wants nothing to do with that whole mess. Orochimaru told him that he was thought to be an oracle, but that’s really all he knows, and he hasn’t asked questions because _so not interested_. He’s never even heard the term ‘Hatake seer’ or ‘Hatake oracle’ to clue him in that there’s more here going on than he’s assumed.
> 
> In case you wondered: Ume’s contributions to their plans: Pink glitter nail polish, the civilian henge and voice Kakashi used as a model for the genjutsu, an old feather pillow her mom planned to get rid of, and pink glitter, as well as knowledge of the pack of brats that tends to run wild through the area that Akio got ambushed in, and a suggestion of keying the first trap to Akio’s chakra signature so that the genjutsu only activated for him, when he got within a certain distance, rather than Kakashi triggering it in person which was more likely to be spotted.  
>  Poemu was the only one to come near Akio, and he only did so long enough to point out who the pack of brats should target.
> 
> The numbers 4 and 9 are considered unlucky in Japanese: 4, pronounced _shi_ , is a homophone for _death_ (死); 9, when pronounced _ku_ , is a homophone for _suffering_ (苦).
> 
> San-chome means third district. Japanese do street numbers, not street names, which is a bit confusing. Well, more confusing than it sounds. There’s a whole system to it, which I’m sure makes perfect sense once you get the hang of it.
> 
> Yup, that was Jiraiya’s first Icha Icha book, as I’m sure you guessed.


	10. Reactions to and from Uchihas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obito is encountered. Hiruzen is surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically fluff snips to give a general idea of what's going on for the next few months of story time.  
> Some much less fluffy stuffs coming up, though. Still undecided on how graphic I want to make that.

“How do you even expect to hit the target if you hold it like that?” Kakashi asks in exasperation. Now he understands why she doesn’t consider herself good at anything, because _obviously_ no one has ever bothered to correct her properly. What he doesn’t understand is how she got past Orochimaru’s classes with such substandard skills. It seems unlike the snake to allow anything so substandard to reflect on his teaching.

“I didn’t ask you!”

Kakashi freezes at the somewhat surly tone, then turns slowly and gives Obito a measuring look. “Well, then, it’s good I wasn’t talking to you, now isn’t it?”

Obito looks baffled. “You weren’t?”

He points at Ume wordlessly.

“Oh.” Obito flushes. “Sorry. I thought you were just being a know it all cuz you graduated early, and uh, yeah, I don’t do that great in classes.”

Kakashi stares at him, because he _really_ doesn’t want to restart the one-sided rivalry from the first time around, but he’s fairly certain any _actual_ attempt to help will be met with the same attitude as before, because good with people he is not. “What about Orochimaru sensei’s classes?”

Obito cringes. “He tells me I suck more than my own clan does.”

Oh, right, Orochimaru’s not great with people _either_. But Poemu is.

“If you want some help, you can ask my teammate, Poemu.” He finally decides. “I need to help Ume so she can keep up with us.”

As expected, Obito bristles at the notion of Kakashi thinking an older genin can’t keep up without his instruction, and Kakashi congratulates himself on making a good call. Poemu’s shy air is probably enough like Rin’s gentle air to appeal to Obito enough to listen to him. He could warn Obito about hurting Poemu’s feelings, but quite honestly, anyone who offends Poemu deserves the results of Poemu’s retaliation. _So maybe he’s holding a little grudge over the damage Obito caused the first time around. That’s entirely reasonable, right?_ Without wasting further time, he turns his back on Obito and walks over to correct Ume’s stance and throwing position. _Truly, it’s amazing they let her graduate with such poor form_.

~

Poemu’s ears twitch at the unfamiliar voice, but he doesn’t look up from the katas scroll he’s studying until he hears his name and realizes that he’s just been volunteered to teach someone. _Because what?_ This is a first. While he’s glad Kakashi considers him able to keep up with him, he also knows well that Kakashi will always be ahead of him in skill and he has to work hard to keep up with what Kakashi deems acceptable. Kakashi has _never_ volunteered him before, though he’s not above obliquely throwing a conversation his way to cover his own aim in the conversation. Then again, Kakashi hardly ever _speaks_ to anyone near their age unless they annoy him.

It’s not difficult to eye Kakashi’s posture and realize that, like Gai, this is someone inexplicably important to him, despite prior lack of contact. Somehow he’s not surprised, though, when Kakashi abruptly drops the conversation, leaving the other boy looking slightly offended and utterly baffled. _Hm…_ Well, it’s not as if Kakashi said he’d do it without being asked, so it’s probably fine to let the other boy come to him. He goes back to the katas scroll Kakashi has loaned him.

~

Ume starts to ask Kakashi-kun how she’s doing it wrong, but stops when some Uchiha boy interrupts, mistakenly thinking the comment addressed to him. It’s understandable, really. The Uchiha clan are known for their skills and pride, and Kakashi-kun _is_ laudably well above Academy student level, despite his obvious attempts to keep what he uses to a similar level to what she and Poemu-kun are able to do. It’s understandable that the Uchiha would believe the comment addressed to him. Though she is surprised when the boy apologizes and says he’s not great at classes in response to Kakashi-kun politely denying it.

At first, she fears that this Academy student closer to his own age has snagged Kakashi-kun’s attention sufficiently enough to forget about helping her. She’s known him all of two days and it’s easy to tell that few people interest him _at all_ , but this is one of them, for whatever reason. Ume’s more relieved than she’d like to admit when Kakashi sort of volunteers poor Poemu-kun instead and turns his back on the boy to begin helping her with her stance and explaining why the hand position is important.

~

Ume, as it turns out, was passed _because_ her aim is good enough to largely make up for her terrible stances, she hits harder than she seems capable of, and her reflexes are, while not quite on par with his own, on the upper end for someone her age. And _also_ , for some incredibly moronic reason, she was never tested by Orochimaru, apparently it was thought ‘unneeded’ since she’d passed the basics once before.

Kakashi wants to make the _idiot_ behind _that_ bright decision go back through Academy themselves as a reminder of _how incredibly stupid_ it was.

_(On the other side of the village, Hiruzen sneezes and promptly has a handkerchief shoved in his face by his wife.)_

The best thing about Ume is that she’s eager to learn and doesn’t get mad when he snaps at her, simply asks for an explanation and tries harder. She’s not a particularly fast learner, but she _tries_. It’s a lot easier to work with someone who isn’t caught up in ‘fashion’ or sighing over a ‘love interest’ rather than trying to learn enough to stay alive. Oddly rare in genin. Most of them need a few near death experiences before getting serious.

~

“I didn’t think any dogs besides ninken were allowed on training grounds.”

Poemu doesn’t bother looking up, just flicks an ear and keeps reading, because _obviously_ only ninken are allowed on training grounds. “Mmn.”

“Can I pet her?”

He lifts a shoulder in a shrug, because quite honestly that’s up to Ena.

The other boy crouches down and reaches out, and barely draws his hand back in time to avoid snapping teeth. “Hey! Wow, dogs usually like me.”

Poemu snorts. “And ninken prefer to be asked before you try to pet them. Ena may not talk yet, but she certainly has no problem conveying her o-opinions if asked. Or not asked, in this c-case. Just be glad Kakashi didn’t take a dislike to you or she’d pr-probably be growling.”

“Wait. Why Kakashi? Isn’t she yours?” The boy sounds utterly confused.

He refrains, _barely,_ from rolling his eyes. “No. Why would I have a ninken? I’m ci-civilian born. D-Did you want something, o-or did you just come over to i-interrupt me?”

There’s an interesting sounding sputter from above, then the other boy apologizes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just…um. Kakashi said I could ask you to help me with my kunai throwing?”

 _Well, yes, he had at that_. Though honestly, he’s a bit surprised that an Uchiha would take him up on it. In general, the only clan kids in his experience who _aren’t_ completely snobby and proud about their abilities are the Hatake _(Kakashi, a grand sample of one),_ the Nara _(hard to say when they’d rather just have peace and quiet, really),_ and the Aburame _(who rarely speak to civilians in the first place, because they try not to freak people out too much about their resident bug colonies)_.

Poemu finally bothers looking up, sees the earnest expression, and sighs. He rolls the scroll up and sets it and Ena aside. “Sure. Ena, can you make sure that doesn’t blow away or get stepped on?”

She yips an affirmative, which isn’t surprising, since the scroll is _Kakashi’s_.

“Thanks! I’m Obito Uchiha!”

 _Oh, yippee, introductions. As if the Uchiha part isn’t blindingly obvious despite the goggles, what with him actually wearing the clan symbol? Which is a bit in poor taste if you ask him, since the **other** clans don’t insist on wearing their clan symbols everywhere, every when_. Not that he blames Obito for wearing it. His clan would probably look down on him if he didn’t. There are times he’s _so glad_ he’s not part of a clan, with their ridiculous politics.

“Poemu, son of Taki the grocer.” He responds politely.

~

Hiruzen regards Fugaku in shock. _The Uchiha opening half the police force to other ninjas? And moving that freed up half to active out-of-village missions?_ He pinches himself to make sure he’s not dreaming at the unprecedented action.

 _Ouch. Yes, that hurts. Not a dream after all._ That doesn’t necessarily rule out a genjutsu, but young Fugaku’s never been _that_ rude.

He had, of course, gotten a report of young Kakashi and his friend being escorted to the Uchiha Clan head’s house after a confrontation with some merchants over some impolite remarks, but he’d assumed it was simply because Kakashi had managed to snag a passing Uchiha into his confrontation and she’d felt it wise to escort the boys from the scene and report it at the same time. Had Kakashi said something then? Or is the change of policy because Danzo is no longer around slipping doubts into the ears of others about their loyalty?

Quite honestly, he hopes it is the latter strongly enough that he’s not about to enquire.

“I see.” He says, lifting his pipe for a soothing drag. “This is quite unexpected, but welcome news. I am glad to see the Uchiha finally feel trusted enough within the village to share duties more equably.”

A twitch of _something_ crosses Fugaku’s face, too quickly to identify.

“Are your elders in agreement with these changes?”

Fugaku shrugs. “Some were quite in favor, others opposed, but in the end those who opposed were overruled. The Uchiha do not need to live in the past. Originally the police force was a sop, to give the Uchiha authority when it became obvious that the Senju were going to retain sole leadership in the village. That is no longer the case, and has not been for decades. Moreover, time and war has reduced the Senju numbers to so small that it is foolish to consider, much less fear, the reviving of a long-dead feud that this village was founded to end.”

Hiruzen’s eyes narrow, briefly calculating the odds that this move is a prelude to a coup, then discards the notion. “I must agree, though I will admit to a bit of startlement that your elders agree. Have you considered that this motion of trust will reduce the other clans’ wariness in the future as to considering Uchiha candidates for Hokage?”

The way his eyes widen briefly tells him that _no, that had not been considered._ Odd.

“I was under the impression that you planned to make your student or your student’s student your successor.”

He takes another drag on his pipe then sets it down. “You are not incorrect. I believe Orochimaru has entirely lost interest in favor of ensuring our Academy students are all equally _capable_ of becoming fine ninjas after graduation. Namikaze is a bit young, still, of course, but he has the necessary intelligence and lack of prejudice to carry forward the village as intended. His reputation still lacks a bit, but I have no doubt that with a few years it will be sufficient. And besides being rather well-liked already, there are few who have Kushina’s trust like he does.”

Fugaku huffs in surprise at the last bit. “Yes, I suppose. I had not considered that a factor. If _that_ is an important factor, then I suppose only Mikoto would qualify among the Uchiha.”

Hiruzen raises a brow in surprise at the suggestion, though he’s fairly sure it’s not _intended_ as a suggestion. “An intriguing idea. Send her to me. I wish to speak with her.”

~

Mikoto wanders home a few hours later looking dazed. In fact, she doesn’t even notice him coming to meet her at the door worriedly until she actually walks into him. Then she blinks at him slowly a few times.

“Fugaku? _What_ did you do? First he asked me if I wanted to be a Hokage candidate, and when I said no, he put me in the empty spot on the civilian council. I’m a councilor now. _Me._ I don’t even… What did you _tell_ him?” Somehow she sounds even more dazed than she looks.

Instead of answering, because he’s fairly sure she won’t like it if he does, he guides her to the table to sit, then awkwardly makes tea.

She gets to the bottom of the cup before she blinks and asks, “What’s this?”

“It’s not too strong again, is it?” he frets. Mikoto has attempted to teach him how to make tea in the past with limited success.

“Not exactly… Fugaku, did you use my dried parsley instead of the tea?”

“Saa… _Maybe?”_ The last word squeaks a little in embarrassment. “Um. Parsley isn’t poisonous, right?”

Mikoto gives him an amused look. “No, dear. It’s quite harmless.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if you were wondering where Akio was, he refuses to show up before 10am. Most definitely not a morning person, and only appears early in the event of urgent missions or someone literally dragging him out of bed and handing him juice or soup, followed by coffee. He’s also rather uncommunicative until around noon. The kids have taken to handing him a thermos of heavily sugared and creamered coffee when he shows up. _(Or tea, if you prefer.)_ Team 9 just use the mornings for self-training. It works rather well for them, given the amount of knowledge and experience Kakashi ‘remembers’ and his determination to keep them together as a team.
> 
> Obito is still in Academy, so he definitely has an Uchiha symbol _somewhere_.
> 
> Um. Not sure if Poemu and Obito will get along quite as well as Kakashi expects, but at least Obito doesn’t throw a fit over being corrected by him, since Obito was the one to ask for help.
> 
> *Parsley tea _is_ safe to drink now and then, but _not_ if consumed in large amounts and it is _not_ recommended to drink on a daily basis. People with liver or kidney disease, or anemia or high blood pressure should avoid it.
> 
> Ume Matsuo- Wants to make her grandmother proud by becoming a chunin. Excellent aim. Apricot hair, soft med. yellow eyes. Japanese serow upper ears _(easily mistaken for goat or deer type)_. Relatively sensitive hearing and smell, _(will improve in further generations if she has kids with chakra active other parent)_. Excellent eyesight and can see well in low-light.
> 
> Poemu _(son of Taki the grocer)_ \- Wants to be a chunin teacher. More than a bit devious and manipulative when he has cause. A bit aloof but not unkind for the most part. Anxious off and on stutter. Not half as shy as he comes across, and a regret-nothing sort. Not much for direct confrontations, but doesn’t back down unless there’s a good reason. Hair and cat ears a sort of boring dark red, eyes a rather dull med green color. Usually overlooked easily, though a certain sort of perv tends to zone in on him and make comments or occasionally try touching.  
> (Yes, I know that red hair and green eyes are often attention catching, but they aren’t _always_ , and combined with his demeanor, he’s the kind of person who’d be hard to describe if one didn’t take a good long look at him. _“Uh…brown hair? Maybe black? Um…grey eyes? Brown? Er…”_ kind of thing.)
> 
> Akio Hara- Semi-retired jounin. Mid-forties. Hates early mornings because they hate him. Sighting him before 10am is a rare occurrence. Generally easy-going. Capable of looking past his own temper to make accurate assessments. Actually kind of proud that his genin were able to completely overturn his expectations of them. Dark brown hair, past his shoulders and pulled back in a low, loose ponytail, has an ‘Asuma-type’ beard. Wolverine ears _(though easy to mistake for smaller relatives in the weasel family)_. Friendly enough with Sakumo that Sakumo trusts him with his son, apolitical enough that neither the Council nor the Clan heads ‘in the know’ have any objection to him.


	11. Ambush and Slavers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team 9 has as bad of luck as Team 7, but with less dying involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied rape of a child.
> 
> About twice as long as previous chapters, but I didn't really want to break it up given the content.

Kakashi would like to know _why_ he thought the Team 7 curse has chosen to follow him and turn Team 9’s supposedly stupidly easy first C rank into something that’s clearly _not_ a C rank. _Maybe Team 7’s horrendous luck last time was all him, after all?_ Not that he has time to worry about it.

“Chakra poison!” he tells his team, knows they heard him and can’t do anything about it but what they’re already doing and take down a few more of the clearly civilian aggressors. He turns his attention to purifying the poison out of his system with medical chakra, which is rather trickier than purifying alcohol out of one’s system as one drinks, but definitely has similarities. Unfortunately, it’s not an instant process and burns chakra at an excessive rate given that the poison _erodes_ active chakra, and he can’t do it for himself and another at the same time. Also unfortunately, the chakra poison is quick-acting, and he sees Poemu and Ume fall within moments, glad they weren’t in trees, and Akio sensei stagger and fall just short of killing two civilians who _should_ have been utterly defenseless against a seasoned jounin.

He bites back a curse as he finishes purifying the poison just in time for chakra exhaustion to catch up and knock him flat. He has just enough time to be glad that Ena’s in the summons world at the moment, not here, because the poison would likely kill her outright, as his world goes dark.

~

_Next day, late morning…_

Kakashi stirs weakly, a moan slipping between his teeth without permission. _Fucking chakra exhaustion_. For a moment he struggles to remember what stupid thing he’d done this time to earn it, then memory of senbon coated with chakra poison, wielded by civilians who had more skill than they should have ambushing his team comes back fuzzily. _Crap._

“Hey, this one’s waking up already.”

“Well shit. That’s a problem. Take him out to boss to decide.” _Decide what?_

A hand tangles in his shirt and hauls him to his feet, dragging him along stumblingly out of the… _barn? Warehouse?_ “Hey, your lordship! This one woke up already. You want we should kill him? Or just dose him again and try sending him with the rest anyways?”

He’s dropped in front of a man who obviously eats far too well, dressed in clothes of a minor country noble, and manages to not topple over on his nose.

The noble bends and uses one hand to lift Kakashi’s chin at a painful angle, turning his head back and forth to be inspected, making him aware that his mask is gone. There’s something odd about the man, but he can’t quite pinpoint it. “Hm. Well, we can’t sell the clients a defective product that they can’t control, but he’s pretty enough.” He releases his almost bruising grip. “Shake.”

Kakashi stares at him for a moment, incredulous, then puts his hand limply into the noble’s expectantly held out hand.

“Speak.”

The temptation is irresistible. “Arf.”

“And trained, even. Put a collar on him. I’ll keep him as a pet.”

Kakashi manfully resists the urge to facepalm and start laughing hysterically. _Seriously? This buffoon…_ It’s probably not a good idea to laugh in the man’s face, even if he is stupid enough to mistake sarcasm as obedience. Give him a week and escaping this place will be child’s play, even having to avoid getting hit with another dose of the chakra poison. At least the mentions of shipping and selling and clients mean the chakra poison is unlikely to be lethal. Ridiculous as not immediately rescuing his teammates might sound, it’s almost certainly a better idea to stay where he is for a time and gather information to dismantle their network than try escaping. There’s nothing quite like being a rather small child for being underestimated.

The world spins around him as the minion picks him up again, and he fights nausea and darkening vision, not even bothering protesting the rough handling. _Fucking chakra exhaustion._

~

_Approximately two weeks later…_

Ume drags herself to consciousness with no idea how long it’s been, other than it feels like she’s slept a year and could use another week of sleep on top of it. All she remembers is the senbon out of nowhere, smug looking civilians well-trained enough to dodge the few weapons she could throw at them before Kakashi-kun’s warning, and only grazing one before nausea and darkness swirled in on her as her chakra dispersed like candle put out suddenly with only fading wisps to show for it.

It’s automatic to check herself and her surroundings as much as she can without indicating she’s awake. Chakra too low to be accessible, but not being eaten away like before. Something firm around her throat. _Collar?_ What she can see without moving is…very different, and the air smells different. Her nose is nowhere near as sharp as Kakashi-kun’s, but being on the same team with him has given them all a habit of checking just to see if they can perceive any of what he does.

Her hands are…free. That’s probably not good. She doesn’t think people who have enough access to chakra poisons to ambush genin teams are careless enough to leave even a genin unbound if there’s any possibility of her getting free. It probably means the collar seals chakra so she’ll be unable to use it even when it recovers. And it probably means she’s been separated from her team as well.

That’s…a problem. While she has no doubt that Kakashi-kun, and Akio sensei too (probably), will be able to get free and come for her and Poemu, she doesn’t know how long it will take. Now she’s grateful for Kakashi’s odd insistence on them all learning non-henge methods of disguise with limited resources. To look attractive, to look harmless, to look forgettable, even to look downright repulsive. Right now the ‘forgettable and somewhat unattractive’ option is probably her best bet given the circumstances. She’s not outside, but there’s dust on the floor. It’s a place to start at least.

Granted, not the place she’d _assumed_ they’d start their D rank only classified as C rank because it entails extended time and travel outside of Konoha; one paid for by Akio sensei’s aunt for them to come visit her for a month or so. But it could be worse. She’s not dead, injured, or chained up. All she needs to do is be patient, find out where she is, and gather information if she can. And if her teammates don’t come for her within a certain time, well, then she can go rescue _them_. Ume might be the least skilled of her team, but she’s not a kunoichi for _nothing._

~

_A couple days later…_

Poemu wakes up with a headache, and is slightly annoyed to open his eyes to find a young face peering at him from merely inches away. _What in kami’s name?_

It’s reflex to gently push her back to an acceptable distance.

She giggles and jumps up. “Haha-ue! He’s awake!”

“Yes, dear. That’s nice. Now let him know he’s your pet now and he’s to keep you out of trouble.” A cultured feminine voice remarks in an absent tone.

He turns his head to see woman dressed as a minor noble, intent on penning a letter. His eyes narrow as he notes the odd lack of upper ears. Either she’s a rare type with ears flat to the skull, or… Well, it’s probably nothing. Her daughter has rather cute blonde, perky puppy ears. _Pet? Sounds more like babysitter._ Poemu doesn’t have anything in particular against babysitting, and it’s better than several other scenarios that had run through his head after Kakashi’s warning about the senbon. Such as waking up dead or wishing he was as the poison finished killing him, for instance.

“Akamido, you’re my kitty now. So we have to take good care of each other. Okay?” The girl tells him in a solemn, ‘grownup’ tone.

Poemu eyes her for a moment, assessing his own condition. _Dead tired. No chakra to speak of, but no longer being eaten away at a fantastic rate. What feels like a leather strap around his throat. Collar? No other restraints. Correcting her choice of name…pointless, possibly dangerous if the noblewoman takes it as defiance. No sign of his team. Probably should reply before the girl bursts into tears._

“Okay.” The word rasps and makes him cough on the dryness of his throat. _However long he’s been out, it’s been more than a couple hours. Best to play along and find out what he can before making any rash moves._

He has confidence in his ability to make his way back to Konoha on his own, regardless of where he is and civilians with access to chakra poison. Geography and fading into crowds unnoticed are among his best skills, and Kakashi and Akio sensei have taught him enough to be reasonably certain of being able to survive off the land if necessary, too. And if Konoha is too dangerous to try for directly, he can probably find Akio sensei’s aunt without much trouble and send word to Konoha through that route. _But for now, information gathering._

~

_Approximately four days later…_

Akio is _pissed._

This makes twice he’s broken free, despite no chakra and chakra shackles to boot. And twice he’s been recaptured by barely chunin-level missing nin. _Or maybe not so missing nin._ Either way, he’s a prisoner with bruises being added to his bruises, fading into unconsciousness while his genin are captive elsewhere.

His only consolation is that the chakra poison they have to resort to in order to keep him down prevents whatever purpose they want him for to begin with, and they’re almost as annoyed as he is. It will have to suffice until he gets a chance to slaughter each and every one of the bastards and find _his genin_.

~

_A few days later…_

Kakashi is quite honestly stunned by how lax they are about paying attention to where he is. Even the collar is merely leather, with no chakra seals or other safeguards. As long as he comes when called, he’s free to wander through the noble’s house and the other buildings. Even roaming outside is allowed as long as he doesn’t wander too far. There are some fairly decent perimeter traps set up to discourage escape, but with the time he’s taken to wander apparently aimlessly, gathering information inside and out, they will be simple to bypass when he leaves.

The real problem is that he can’t afford to use chakra until he leaves, because a couple of the men can actually sense chakra use. A rare talent wasted on criminals, but it does explain how they can successfully ambush ninjas, even accounting for their unusual skill with senbon and traps. He’s found enough evidence to confirm they’re targeting ninjas in particular, specifically those from Konoha, Iwa and Suna, and selling them on to a slave network of sorts, but hasn’t yet had the opportunity to go through their records more than that.

There’s no way to retrieve any of the items taken from his team or those before without bringing the entire household down on him. So weapons are limited to what he can contrive, and it’s probably best to simply avoid needing to have some.

Which, well, is entirely doable if he reverse summons himself to Ena, but still requires getting far enough from watchers to complete the summons before they can get close enough to be hit with more chakra poison. He really doesn’t want to find out what an incomplete reverse summons results in, nor to be stuck in the summons realm for long days while his chakra recovers. Not all summons are friendly to humans, and Ena’s a bit young yet to be able to sufficiently protect him from a true threat if needed.

Given that he’s not being treated badly _(other than having to submit to being petted, called by some random dog name, sitting on the floor to eat meals, and having to roleplay being a pet dog)_ and from a few comments he’s gathered that the network is largely to ‘provide pets’ to civilians, well… He can’t quite justify leaving _now_ with so little information, even balancing it against the potential trauma his team is going through. Not when he potentially has enough information available to bring the entire slaving ring and network crashing down _and_ the possibility of finding exactly where his teammates were sold to, so that retrieving them will be quicker once he acts.

Maybe it’s a stupid decision for an eight year old genin to make, but…

It’s not as if he’s _mentally_ eight, and he has a lifetime of skills at his disposal, even if many of them are nowhere near the level he had them at the first time around. He’s _been a jounin and ANBU;_ he has the _mentality_ required to make decisions above his technical rank while understanding the possible consequences of either decision. And lack of information on complicated missions is often a ninja’s worst foe. So…he’ll take the risk and bide his time.

~

_A couple months later…_

Chiyako frowns, because… _what in kami’s name?_

There appears to be an odd-eyed, silver-haired child in a Konoha hitai-ate trying to attract her attention. Or rather, his body language and wide gestures are saying _‘come here’_ , but she’s pretty sure that he just signed something about a _trap_ and to _leave_.

That he’s signing sneakily suggests that yes, he likely is a Konoha genin, and yes, there really is a trap. The real question is why a Konoha nin is being used in a trap for a _Suna_ nin, and why he’d try to warn her.

When she doesn’t respond, he signs again, this time a different code that she doesn’t quite understand, but suspects is ANBU code for Konoha, which begs the question of how a child that young would know it. Then his red eye spins into a _sharingan. Uchiha!_ Recognition crosses his face for a bare instant before he’s signing again.

_Trap. Jutsu poison. Run. Tell Leaf, Sand, Rock. Warn._

For a long moment, she just stares, because… _how does a Konoha genin know Suna sign?_ Though now at least she understands that she’s just a bit too far for him to see what symbol is on her hitai-ate without his sharingan activated. It’s easy to forget that not everyone has the excellent distance vision that is common among Suna nin. And if he’s asking her to warn Konoha, Suna and Iwa, it means that probably all three are being targeted for similar traps and he sees in her an opportunity to get word out.

Then, astonishing her further, he uses _Suna ANBU_ sign, with more fluency than he had with the more common sign. Which she only really knows because her idiot brother and cousin are in ANBU and think that they can use it to communicate in front of her without her picking it up over time.

_Slavers. Chakra poison, quick-acting. Target Leaf, Sand, Rock. Take message. Go now!_

Chiyako flicks her hand in a quick thanks that hopefully will be mistaken as a brushoff for whoever is using the boy in the trap, because warning her is a huge risk on his part, and leaves.

Her mission is of low priority in comparison to this. And _like hell_ she’s going to warn Iwa personally, given they have a ‘kill on sight’ order for her in their bingo book. Konoha’s closer than Suna and technically sort-of-maybe allies, so she can send word through one of their messengers. Besides, from what she’s heard, the Uchiha clan is nuts, and she really doesn’t want to find out what they’ll do if they find Suna had and didn’t share information about one of theirs in enemy hands.

~

_Konoha, a few days later…_

Asasaki and Nobutaka take one look at the travel-weary kunoichi in Suna jounin gear and perk up in interest. Gate duty was _boring._

“Hey, Konoha. You know you misplaced a silver-haired half-Uchiha genin?”

Nobutaka blinks at her. “Silver-haired Uchiha genin?”

The kunoichi huffs in disgust. “About yay high, skinny as a rail, one blue eye, one red, dog ears and tail?”

 _“Oh, shit! The-”_ Asasaki starts, then stops at a glare from Nobutaka because they’re _not supposed to know that,_ and definitely _not supposed to let outsiders know it!_

“The Hatake clan heir.” She amends. “What do you mean ‘misplaced’?”

“Someone was trying to use him in a trap, up near the northwest border of Fire, but either they couldn’t see what he was doing well or he knew they wouldn’t understand, because he proceeded to sign to me something about traps in both what I assume was Konoha common and Konoha ANBU sign, then figured out I’m from Suna and repeated his message in _Suna_ common sign, which, okay, he’s not fluent so maybe he knows someone who taught him a bit, _but then_ he repeated it in _Suna ANBU_ sign with perfect fluency!”

Nobutaka grimaces. “Well, we can’t tell you how he knows, but thanks for letting us know that he’s in trouble. His team is a little overdue, but-”

“I don’t think-”

Asasaki pokes him in the ribs. “Seriously, Nobu, do you really think she’d have come this far just to tell us that? What was the message? If you don’t mind.”

“Slavers. Chakra poison, quick-acting. Target Leaf, Sand, Rock. Take message. Go now!” She replies, giving her a grateful look.

“Bossy boots, little brat.” Nobutaka mutters under his breath, but without venom.

“At first I thought he was talking about a poison jutsu, but he clarified it to chakra poison, so I’m guessing that it’s a standard part of the trap and probably airborne or used on their weapons. And the fact that he specified warning Iwa and Suna as well suggests to me that they are targeting ninjas from our three villages.”

Nobutaka swears. “I’ll take you to see the Hokage. Saki, are you-?”

“I’m fine. Shift change is soon anyways. Go.”

~

_Around dawn, next day…_

Kakashi staggers as he walks. While he had calculated the risk of what punishment he’d receive if caught warning off the jounin they’d wanted him to draw into a trap, it hadn’t occurred to him that _not_ getting caught and simply failing would be punished harshly. That one failure would mean being deemed useless and result in… _that._

It’s no longer a matter of time vs gain.

Now it’s a matter of getting out while he’s still _able_ to move.

He doesn’t hurry. Moving at a normal pace is hurry enough in his current condition, and moving faster would attract attention he can’t afford. Each step feels like eternity. It’s not that he needs to go far, just _far enough,_ so that when the sensors are alerted by his use of chakra no one can get to him in time to intervene. Really not far at all. Patrols and traps are out further, after all. Finally, _finally,_ he makes it to the spot he needs, bites his thumb and leans over to do the reverse summons. He hears shouting, and keen ears catch the distant fall of footsteps running his way, but it’s too late now.

For an instant, the jutsu falters as the first guards pound into sight, but he pushes more chakra into it, feeling the drain to his bones and then he’s gone, with only a poof of smoke and a smattering of blood on the ground in his wake.

The shouts and curses go mute and are replaced by the stillness and sounds of the wilderness.

_Success!_

Kakashi promptly falls on his face, exhausted and hurting, directing what small bits of chakra he has left towards healing the worst of his injuries. He rolls over stiffly, because eating grass isn’t really on his list of life goals, and then looks up.

And blinks.

Because there is a wolf the size of a large pony, with paws approximately the same size as Kakashi’s head, standing over him, looking a bit startled. Although his sheer size makes it a bit difficult to tell, he seems to be a young adult, not quite done growing and bulking out, but getting close.

“You’re a Great Wolf?”

The wolf, whose paws he’s apparently landed at _instead of Ena’s_ , cocks his head. “I am.”

“Huh. I thought your kind was extinct.” _Certainly, he recalls vaguely, the Hatake ninken had inherited the territory from the Great Wolves the first time around. Something about the summons clan going extinct while in Hatake service?_ He blinks a couple more times, then groans. “Ena’s going to kill me.”

“Ena? Ah, the ninken pup? You’re a Hatake pup, then?”

“Yeah. I was trying to summon myself to her. My apologies for intruding.”

The wolf huffs. “Well, I would say you should be surprised you ended up in the same territory instead of failing or ending up elsewhere, given that the pup was summoned back a few days ago. One of your ancestors burned our summons contract to free us. We no longer take summoners as a clan.”

Kakashi’s mismatched eyes widen. _He definitely could have ended up worse places. Without Ena to home in on, the reverse summons had automatically taken him to the most compatible summons type. And in his condition? Well. At least the Great Wolf doesn’t seem inclined to eat him. Although…since the Great Wolves no longer have a contract to sign, it does mean that he’s effectively stuck here until he recovers. Unfortunate._

Then he sighs. “I don’t suppose you’d be able to send me home?”

“I could…” The wolf says thoughtfully, sniffing at him curiously. “However, I have never been in your human realm, so sending you back where you came from would be easiest. But given your condition, I doubt you would wish that. Otherwise, I would have to have someone to send you _to_ , and that means a summoner I’ve at least encountered before.”

“Hm…” He thinks about it. _Maybe the Sannin? They are rather well-known, he assumes, even in the summons realms, given that they hold three of the Sage Summons contracts._ “How about Tsunade Senju? I know her.”

“Unfortunately, I do not think the Slug summoner has ever wandered beyond the Shikkotsu.”

“Jiraiya Hisakawa? The Toad Sage?”

“No. He does wander, but I’ve never come across him.”

He can’t think that the wolves would allow the snake summoner near their territory, but he _is_ one of the sage summoners, so he while he thinks frantically of other summoners that the young wolf _might_ have had occasion to come across, he says a bit weakly, “Orochimaru Tōken?”

“The Snake summoner? You _are_ a well-connected pup, aren’t you? Yes. I did see him once, and his chakra is rather memorable. I can take you to him.”

“Well, how abou-? Oh.” Kakashi pauses as the words sink in. “Really?” Then his brain catches up with his mouth. “That is, I mean, would you be willing to?”

“What’s in it for me?”

Kakashi pauses, because, well, he should have expected that. Summonings and reverse summonings alike usually use the human’s chakra, not the summons’ chakra. He’s a bit vague on it, having raised his own summons dogs, but probably generally only the Boss summons of a clan or the stronger elders have the chakra to send a human places without feeling the drain. The wolf is an adult, but only just, so what he’s asking something that could be construed as a serious favor. Normally he could offer his own chakra in exchange, but well… _currently out._

“Not having to smell my stink in your territory for the next week?” he tries to joke feebly. In all honesty, he has no idea what he can offer for a one-time favor. All knowledge he has of summons is based on long-term relationships between summons and summoners.

The wolf huffs in amusement. “I am Eio. What’s your name, Hatake pup?”

“Kakashi.” He replies, exhaustion dragging his eyelids down.

“Your parents have an odd sense of humor, pup.” Eio remarks. “Get up.”

He forces his eyes open again, and with a groan drags himself to his feet. Fresh waves of pain make him more alert and he starts looking around curiously, only to yip when sharp teeth grip the back of his shirt and lift him off the ground. “Where-?”

~

Orochimaru looks up in budding irritation as a large poof of chakra smoke invades his lab, only to lose the irritation to startlement when the smoke clears to reveal a wolf the size of a cart horse standing there with young Kakashi dangling from his jaws like a rather worse for the wear puppy, missing his customary facemask and looking half dead and coughing from apparently having inhaled the chakra smoke.

“I was not aware that you had a Greater Wolf summons, Kakashi. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Kakashi finishes coughing and gives him a watery glare. “Apparently you’re the only summoner I know that he’s met. And he’s not my summons. Great wolves don’t make summons contracts.”

The wolf promptly drops Kakashi, who collapses into a miserable heap on the floor. “It’s not as if I could have brought you here without being your summons, silly pup. The _clan_ does not take summoners anymore. However, individuals may do as they judge best. Snake summoner, I assume you are competent enough to bring the pup to someone who can fix his injuries?”

Orochimaru snorts. “I am quite capable of patching him up myself, you know.”

“Tsunade’s better at it than you are.” Kakashi mumbles into the floor in clear objection.

“Don’t be stupid.” He snaps. “If you think I’m going to allow her to see you in this state, you’re quite mistaken. You’re younger than her brother by several years, you realize? And _you_ don’t want her to see you in this state either, unless you want your team to be stuck on babysitting duty for the next three years as her method of coddling you.”

“Ugh.” Kakashi opines eloquently, then whines, “It’s just minor damage, and it’s not like I’m going to let it traumatize me for life. How did you know, anyways?”

 _“Please._ I can _taste_ the reek on you from here. I highly doubt the damage is _minor_ , even if you aren’t in immediate danger of dying from blood loss or internal damage. Not at your size.”

Kakashi whines wordlessly in what isn’t actual disagreement.

“Now what happened to your team? That Suna kunoichi you sent has the village in a tizzy.”

“Don’t wanna.”

Orochimaru rolls his eyes. “Don’t want to what?”

“Repeat myself. Can you, you know, just tell the Hokage and tou-san for me?”

 _Annoying._ But the brat must be worse off than he thought to ask something that sounds so close to asking a favor of him. He snaps his fingers at the nearest lab assistant. “Go let the Hokage know his presence is required. Oh, and let Sakumo Hatake know his son is here and relatively intact.”

“Yes, Orochimaru-sama.” The young man squeaks and scurries out of the lab like a mouse fleeing a cat.

Thoughtfully, he fills a clean beaker with water and crouches next to Kakashi. “Here. Drink while we wait, so you don’t pass out.”

_And Tsunade says he doesn’t have a bedside manner. Hah!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Notey things. Screw it. I've been fighting this chapter for days, and it's been a long and busy week. If you have questions ask. My brain is fried.
> 
> Eio- written as 'shrewd' and 'hero'
> 
> Credit to Starry_Fantasies (starfleur) and movie Princess Mononoke for the giant wolves idea.
> 
>  
> 
> **Okay, now that my brain is less fried, a bit of summary to the various questions asked so far:**
> 
>  
> 
> Kakashi's team: Will survive. Pretty much untraumatized other than Kakashi and Akio.
> 
> Slaving ring: Not one that caters to people looking for sex toys or worse. The lack of ears on two of the characters IS a clue to what motivates these folks, and yes, they are working with shinobi of another village. No, they were not born without animal ears.
> 
> Yes, Sakumo is going to go ballistic. Kakashi is definitely going to be coddled and be unhappy about it. However, it's quite probable that Sakumo will be kept out of dealing with the slaving ring, because he's a bit too emotional over the whole thing. No worries, there's going to be no shortage of pissed off Konoha, Suna, and Iwa ninjas taking the thing down.
> 
> Yes, I will do my best to give Eio an 'eat someone's face off' scene. Though not actual face-eating (drily), cuz he's got standards about his food.


	12. Surprises and Cursing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakumo is very unhappy, Kakashi gets a surprise, Ume and Poemu are interrupted, Coffee saves some lives, and Ito thinks 'fuck' is an adjective and a noun to the point he doesn't even hear it any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because this has happened a couple times:  
>  _(And feel free to skip if it doesn't apply to you.)_  
>  I don’t want to be rude here. But if one of my answers offends you or hurts your feelings and I apologize, please, _please_ just be an adult and deal with it instead of dumping on me. I am not your mother, your wife, or your therapist and there is _literally_ nothing more I can do other than apologize. If my apologies don’t live up to some internal standard of yours, that is actually _not my problem_. My apologies are always sincere, because I _really hate_ giving them. I will not apologize for things I don’t think I did wrong.  
>  I’ll be upfront here. I’m often socially awkward, as much as I work at not being so. I’ve also moved around a lot in my life and run into a lot of subcultures. So, just as you may misinterpret my words, I may misinterpret yours based on past experiences. Words can be made to mean a lot of other things than their literal meaning, and different people have different experiences and subcultures that they draw their conclusions from when they read those words. There will inevitably be misunderstandings.  
> I also struggle with severe depression and anxiety on a daily basis. I’m one of the lucky ones, because my family raised me with a sense of self-esteem, but that doesn’t mean my feelings don’t get hurt. On bad days, it can stop me from writing for several days or make me abandon a story for a time because I associate it too strongly with the event. I’m not proud of that. But it does happen.
> 
> I do not mind honest feedback on the story. Even if I don’t agree or a comment on it makes me angry, I can deal with that. Negative feedback is very useful, as long as it isn’t intentionally nasty. I _always_ _attempt_ to keep my personal feelings out of it when it comes to comments I dislike, because honest feedback is very important to keeping writing from spiraling into dumb corners or going flat because I missed something or didn’t think of something. If you flung a lot of excited questions at me and got a flat or curt response, it’s not because I was angry. It was almost certainly because I was having a bad day or just was exhausted from a long day and felt a bit overwhelmed by it or flat out missed parts of what you wrote.  
>  I am not bidding for sympathy here. It’s my life and I deal with it. Sympathy generally just makes me feel super awkward. But if you’re old enough to read on AO3, you’re old enough to keep in mind that this is a public forum, and you’re old enough to _actually accept_ apologies without digging for more apologies. Please keep this in mind when dealing with other authors, too. It is very rare on this site that anyone but the occasional troll says things that they mean in a bad way. If you took something badly, stop and reread and see if it could _possibly_ be read some other way before you get up on your hissy horse and deliberately try to ruin someone’s day by being all guilt-trippy or nasty.  
>  No one has been outright terrible to me, personally, and everyone makes mistakes, so don’t go witch-hunting, but I’ve seen some comments on other fics that _absolutely were not deserved_ and probably did a lot more damage to the author’s self-esteem. Constructive negative feedback is one thing, but if you can’t say something nice or at least neutral, there’s really _no call_ to say anything at all.

Sakumo stares down at his son, who is wearing nothing but a sheet and a few visible bandages, and lying without complaint on one of Orochimaru’s cold lab tables, and just…just takes him in for a long moment. _He’s alive._

“Should I ask why you have a Great Wolf with you now?”

His son opens his blue eye and grouses, “Because someone summoned Ena so my reverse summons to her almost failed entirely.”

Sakumo blanches, because he’s the one who had Ena’s mother bring her back when he summoned her, because they were worried about Kakashi. “I think I might need more detail than that.”

The Great Wolf lifts its _(his?)_ muzzle from where it had been resting on Kakashi’s belly. “The pup is amusing. I brought him back because he needed human medical treatment. You have a nose, Hatake, don’t make the pup talk about it.”

_No, no, no. Not his boy, his Kakashi. Not that, not-_

“Wait. You? You didn’t have your pack head send him back? You’re his summons now?” _Definitely male._

The wolf just sighs and goes back to resting his head on Kakashi’s belly.

“That would be a yes.” Orochimaru informs him. “The Hokage should be here shortly and Kakashi will tell us what happened then.”

Kakashi looks relieved enough that he doesn’t ask more questions. Instead, Sakumo hovers next to his son, fingers lightly pressed against Kakashi’s cheek in silent comfort, feeling helpless. His son is alive, and if not well, then at least safe for the moment. It should be enough. _It’s not._

~

Kakashi is mostly asleep when his father gently deposits him on the couch, positioning him so his head is pillowed by Tefuko’s lap. Even though it still hurts to move, he snuggles closer with as little movement involved as possible, not minding as her gentle fingers stroke through his hair. It takes him a few minutes to realize what’s different.

He tilts his head up to look at her. “Kaa-san? You’re pregnant?”

She gives him a surprised look, then smiles. “I’d have thought Sakumo would have already told you. Yes. About three months. We found out a few days after you left.”

_Yeah, well, he knows why his tou-san forgot. But that’s not really something he wants to share with Tefuko._

“Cool. I’ve never been a nii-san before.” _Naruto doesn’t count, okay? He doesn’t even exist yet this time around. And Iruka had always been more a brother to him than Kakashi ever had the first time around. Not leaving a will and thus by default entrusting their son’s care to the Council’s ‘tender mercies’ hadn’t been one of Minato’s and Kushina’s brighter moments._

Tefuko smiles at him, the scars twisting her face not diminishing the glow of it. “I think you’ll be a very good nii-san, Kakashi.”

Suddenly, he’s a lot less annoyed at being confined to the village for the next several months. After all, _someone_ needs to protect Tefuko kaa-san when tou-san is off on missions.

~

Ume grimaces at Poemu-kun. “You want to stay, don’t you?”

His shoulders hunch slightly. “She needs someone to take care of her. But that’s not our mission. Kakashi…”

“Yeah, he probably ended up somewhere really bad, since he hasn’t come yet. Everyone here is just civilians and they’ve quit expecting us to try to run away, so when should we go see if we can rescue Kakashi-kun and sensei?”

Poemu-kun’s ears flatten in distress, but he nods grimly. “Tomorrow? After the head maid does her rounds?”

“Okay.” Ume’s not stupid, but she’s well aware that Poemu-kun and Kakashi-kun are a lot smarter and better with plans that she is. “I’ve managed to stash a few things so we-”

“Ahem. I hate to interrupt, but-” A male voice says apologetically, making them both startle badly. “Ah, sorry to startle you, but are you Ume Matsuo and Poemu of Team 9?”

Ume squints and realizes that the intruder is a ninja. “Why does an Iwa shinobi want to know?”

“Ahh… Because our villages have a temporary truce and I’m part of the team sent to rescue you two?” He scratches his head in a sheepish gesture. “I told them this was a bad idea to put me on this team. No Konoha genins are going to trust an Iwa shinobi, right?”

Ume tilts her head, curious. She doesn’t _think_ he’s lying.

“Are any Konoha ninja with you?” Poemu asks.

“Saa…yeah? One of the ones with a dog? Don’t tell her I said so, but I think the dog got all the brains in that relationship.”

Poemu-kun twitches, probably trying not to laugh, and says decisively, “We’ll trust you. Lead the way.”

_Well, if Poemu-kun says so she won’t disagree. She’s yet to see him be wrong in his judgement of someone._

~

Akio drops the last body, mouth curled in a snarl, then turns as he senses more presences, fighting back the haze of rage to assess the new enemies. Surprisingly, they don’t attack immediately, and he takes the moment to take a small break. He’s already lost the element of surprise, and even a small advantage here can make the difference between life and death.

They murmur between themselves, words he doesn’t really hear, except he thinks he hears “…coffee?”

Still they don’t attack, the ones in front carefully keeping their hands in sight. Until one in back passes something to one of the ones in front, who removes the top of the item and extends it slowly towards Akio.

He doesn’t understand until a whiff of warm coffee hits his nostrils, then he snags the thermos out of the other’s hand swiftly, before retreating and eyeing them warily as he takes long swallows of the liquid. The haze slowly clears and he realizes the one in front is a Konoha ninja, as are several others, with a single Suna ninja in their number. Their expressions wavering between concern as they gaze at him, and admiration as they survey the destruction he’s wrought on his captors.

Belatedly, he realizes his claws are still extended and takes turns shaking the blood off between sipping the bitter dregs, and returning his hands to their normal state.

“Ah, Akio sensei?” The one who passed over the coffee inquires tentatively.

“What-?” He rasps, and pauses to clear his throat. “What is a Suna ninja doing with you?”

The Konoha ninja gives a slightly strained smile, clearly not sure that he’s back in his right mind yet. “Providing you with coffee? Actually, one of your students managed to escape and bring back information that Suna and Iwa were also being targeted, so combined rescue teams were sent out to retrieve any victims and destroy the organization. Another rescue team was sent after your other students.”

He wonders which one one of his genin escaped, and tosses the empty thermos back to glance around, then winces. _Messy._ There’s a reason he normally doesn’t rely on his animal instincts much. Wolverines are vicious, vicious fighters and the resultant carnage is always a pain to clean up. It was wise of his would-be rescuers to freeze and lure him out of his rage with coffee rather than risk being attacked. Smart of them to send someone familiar with his inability to function properly without caffeine. Nothing quite like an extremely pissy wolverine to cause unintended casualties.

“I…am going outside. Someone bring me more coffee. Or tea. The rest of you can do whatever you were sent here for beyond finding me.” He announces, and stalks towards the group, not at all surprised when this results in them scrambling hastily out of his way. The whole place smells of blood now, and he needs fresh air to cool the fury simmering just under the surface. Fresh air and about three gallons of caffeine, given that he’s in severe withdrawal after having none for weeks. _Or is it months?_

Kami bless, his genin better be intact or he’s going to make sure whoever is responsible for this travesty thoroughly regrets that his ancestors ever reproduced. Briefly. _Very, very briefly._

“Er… Jounin-sama?”

He looks up to find the Suna nin eyeing him nervously. _Oh, he’s growling._ It takes a couple tries to stop, but he manages. “What is it?”

The Suna nin pales a shade at his tone and holds out a familiar thermos gingerly. “More coffee? It, uh, it has sugar in it this time, but no cream. I, er, I didn’t think about bringing cream.”

Akio just stares at him, until he nervously sets the thermos on the ground and backs up a sufficient distance.

“Thanks.” He says, and picks up the thermos. “Sugar is good.”

He can’t say he blames the chunin for retreating hastily. _Kind of shitty of them to make the kid bring it out himself when Suna and Konoha only nominally get along._ Opening the thermos, he sips and blinks. _Yep, someone’s familiar with his coffee habit._ The only really surprising thing is that someone had that much sugar with them. The coffee is more of a syrup with this much in it. _It’s lovely, just lovely._ After that he takes smaller sips, savoring the taste. Akio has zero regrets about those he slaughtered in this place. If nothing else, depriving him of the kami blessed liquid this long means they’re totally deserving of their fate. Add in his genin to the matter, and the dead should be count themselves lucky that he’s not a Jashin worshipper. _Bastards. They don’t deserve the Pure Lands._

~

Ito of Iwa scowls and slits the throat of another unwary guard. He prefers an honest fight. _Fucking sensors and fucking civilians with fucking chakra poison._ Suppressing his chakra is a pain in the ass to begin with, and doing it in the company of a Konoha shinobi and a Suna one while sneaking around at night is _the worst._

Though at least they hadn’t stuck him with that Suna kunoichi. She had gotten a crazy look in her eyes after they’d been told what happened to the kid who warned her off and managed to escape on his own later. They’d stuck her and some other half-rabid looking ones on teams aimed at harder targets than this mostly civilian trap.

The weirdly staggered patrols aren’t a bad idea, but they’d be a fuck lot more useful if any of them had as much training as even the average newly graduated genin. As is, it’s not even a challenge, except to his patience. According to their intel, there’s only 16 guards, so his teammates have gone ahead while he stays here to take out as many of them as possible before the inevitable alarm goes up. Taking out the arrogant ass in charge of this place would be slightly more interesting, but he’s sure as fuck not getting in that Konoha fucker’s way. Kagami Sarutobi isn’t as bad as one of those Uchihas, but it’s pretty fucking clear that the kid with the intel is someone important to Konoha, important enough that a good half of them have blood in their eye over the matter.

He creeps up on yet another fucking unprofessional, unwary guard.

_Thirteen down, three to go. Unless the intel’s out of date._

This is ridiculous. Even civilians should have raised the alarm by now.

He almost walks right past the next one.

“‘ey! Don’t just pretend you don’t see me, bastard! Give me some help here. Damned rodent hole! Think I broke my leg.”

Ito turns, squinting until he finally locates where the man is, and realizes it’s highly unlikely the civilian actually _saw_ him. “Sensor?”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. It’s not like I could help being born with it, and you all certainly find it useful. Now come help me. I don’t want to be stuck out here all night.”

 _The fuck!? Idiot civilian!_ But on the other hand, sensors are rare and the gift runs in bloodlines. _Tsuchikage certainly wouldn’t mind having one to breed._

Ito walks over, calmly knocks the man out, hauls him out of the hole the broken leg is stuck in without remorse for the scream it provokes from the unconscious man, ties him up and tosses him over his shoulder. No need to look for the other two guards, not when the noble’s house has licks of flame crawling up one side. That means Sarutobi, at least, is done with his part. He has no doubt that Ateshi is done, or close to it, as well.

He finds Sarutobi, one of the missing guards dead at his feet, holding the wrist of a slightly hysterical rabbit eared maid, and staring up at his handiwork with a grim sort of pleasure. “Only one?”

A look flits through Sarutobi’s eyes and he spits deliberately. _Answer enough. Civilians can be worse than ninjas any day of the week._

“Ateshi?”

“Heard a bit of shouting over the way he went. Didn’t last long. He’s probably letting the animals out before he sets off tags.”

_Soft-hearted fucker. Well, that explains the missing guard at least._

As if in response, a massive explosion shakes the air and the stables and several smaller outbuildings disintegrate into smoke and flaming scraps. Ateshi appears a moment later, with a child over each shoulder and an adult limp in his arms.

“Fuck. They got another team in that amount of time? Where from?”

“Mist. Just bad luck in their part, likely.” Ateshi says briefly.

Sarutobi grunts. “Are we finished here? Then let’s head out.” He hoists the maid over his shoulder and then slaps her ass when she wriggles.

Ito raises a brow as they run. They’d been ordered to bring back any non-complicit civilians, but not knocking her out is outright coddling. “You keeping that?”

“Might as well.” Sarutobi answers after a long moment of silence. “Parents have been after me to have a kid. It’s not like she’ll be allowed to leave Konoha for a few years, and it’s better than her trying to survive on the tiny stipend they’ll give her for a few months.”

He snorts. “You Konoha fuckers are fucking bleeding hearts, you know that?”

“What about that one?”

“One of the sensors. Idiot broke his leg in a mouse hole. Tsuchikage will want him.”

“T&I will want him first.” Sarutobi reminds him.

“Like I care? As long as they don’t geld the fucker, they can do whatever they need to get information first.” Shared information on this matter was the agreement between the three villages, after all.

Ateshi chuckles. “If Mist doesn’t want to ransom these three back, Suna will just keep them. Water jutsus are useful in the desert.”

“There wasn’t a third genin?” Sarutobi asks.

Which is a good question. Even for the Bloody Mist, that’s strange.

The Suna nin makes a thoughtful noise. “No. There was a filled body scroll with their discarded belongings, though. Brought it, just in case.”

“Must’ve been a C rank. Poor little fuckers.” _Some teams are just cursed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Akio is a wolverine type. How many of you saw that one coming? ;3
> 
> ‘blood in their eye’- a colloquialism basically meaning they’re out for blood or up for a violent fight, with no intention of backing down.  
> In this case, there’s not much chance of someone surviving them unless they’ve got orders to capture instead of kill. Of course, the ninjas from Iwa and Suna also have a fair number with the same attitude, but Ito’s choosing to ignore that as much as possible.
> 
> The Mist team: OCs that showed up mostly because there’d be no way that Konoha, Suna, or Iwa would carelessly send a genin team through there at this point in time, Kumo is out for other reasons, and my brain is refusing to remember other names.
> 
> And yes, I gave in and used the curse of the C rank joke there. Haha
> 
> Thanks to SectorDweller for talking me out of much more graphic and gross rendition of that last scene.
> 
> So, question. Is this sufficient wrap up or do you need to see a few more villains go down in flames, so to speak? There will be, of course, at least one scene that reveals what they learned and what comes out of the whole affair. But besides that? I can go either way on it, so let me know what you think.
> 
> Also, have I mentioned lately how awesome all my readers are? Because you are, and I really appreciate each and every one of you. Even if I am a perpetual grump who forgets to say these things at regular intervals. You are awesome. Each and every one of you. And...  
>  _Okay, I'm going to shut up now before I start composing silly songs or awkward poems. (facepalms)_


	13. Home and Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akio wants to see his genin. His genin would prefer him _alive_ , thank you very much. Orochimaru is a bit miffed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got longer, faster than I expected it to. Anyways, have some slightly angsty fluff.~

Akio is quite thoroughly sick of how run down his captivity has made him by the time they return to Konoha. It’s not simply the lack of activity, though that is bad enough with the partially atrophied muscles. The multiple doses of chakra poison have had other effects, and his now partial-resistance to it does nothing to reverse those. Apparently forcibly using his chakra in his semi-berserk state with the dregs of poison still in his system was a bad idea, too. 

_He doesn’t regret it one bit._

He does, however, regret that his chakra stutters in and out at random, resulting in him having to be carried by one of the others on portions of the trip. The medic with them admits that he doesn’t know if it’s a result of his rampage or simply accumulated effects from the repeated dosages, and Akio has resigned himself to spending a lot of time in the hospital submitting to tests and treatments. Probably with the top doctors and medics, who are notorious for taking no shit from anyone, particularly jounin who’ve done something stupid in pursuit of completing a mission.

 _But first_ , he intends to see his genin with his own eyes to confirm they’ve all made it home safe and sound. The medics can bawl him out later. There’s nothing so wrong with him that he’s in danger of dying or collapsing if he doesn’t go to the hospital first.

Unsurprisingly, he finds them gathered at the Hatake estate.

Poemu is reading and Ume is practicing handsigns, and between them, Kakashi is studying a scroll, while resting against the biggest damned wolf summons Akio has ever seen, with little Ena napping between the wolf’s paws. They get up and rush over to him though, once they notice him, with Ume hugging him and Poemu not resisting a hug despite not being a demonstrative person. But Kakashi literally flinches back when Akio reaches for him.

Akio freezes.

Kakashi makes a complicated face under his mask. “Ah, sorry. You just startled me, sensei.”

“Did they-? Were you-?”

The boy looks away, again unlike him. “Just the one. Um. But I’m fine.”

 _There’s no way he’s fine._ Slowly this time, Akio reaches out and pulls the boy against him for a hug. Kakashi allows it, if a little stiffly, then relaxes against him. “Don’t lie to me, brat. I’ll be setting up appointments with a therapist I know, and you _will_ be going. _No one_ is okay after something like that. And don’t think about skipping out on your medical appointments either.”

“I don’t want someone in my head, seeing that.” Kakashi sulks, but doesn’t try to pull away.

Akio snorts. “Trust me, no one wants to see it, either. Besides, they don’t use Yamanaka for genin, just overly stubborn ANBU and prisoners. If they didn’t use one to check details on what happened already, they’re not going to. Most of Konoha’s therapists _aren’t_ Yamanaka, you know. Very few people are remotely comfortable talking with someone who could feasibly take a walk through their head at whim, particularly ninja.”

“Okay, sensei.” Kakashi sounds relieved, and doesn’t stiffen even when Ume hugs him as well, and Poemu lays a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“At least someone has some common sense around here.” The wolf grouses, startling Akio.

Kakashi snorts and turns his head to reply. “I’m a Hatake, Eio. We don’t do common sense.”

 _“That_ is obvious, silly pup. It’s amazing that you’ve managed to survive thus long.” Eio retorts drily.

Akio starts to laugh, but ends up almost falling on Kakashi instead as his chakra suddenly ebbs out entirely and he loses his balance. Only Kakashi instinctively bracing himself with chakra gives Poemu time to grab Akio’s elbow and brace himself as well, and Ume time to throw her considerable strength into keeping him upright as well.

“Kaa-san! Kaa-san!”

Tefuko-san peers out of the kitchen at Kakashi’s frantic yell, assessing the situation at a glance. “Oh dear. Want some help with that?”

“Kaa-san, where’s tou-san? Sensei’s being stupid. He should be in the hospital instead of coming here!”

“Calm down, Kakashi. I’m not dying.” He says, despite the dark spots in his vision and fight for breath.

Kakashi looks up and gives him a thoroughly derisive look. “Says the man whose heart and lungs I’ve had to restart twice in the last fifteen seconds because your chakra stopped so suddenly. Kaa-san, where’s tou-san? Sensei needs to go to the hospital _now.”_

Belatedly, Akio notices the flow of medical humming through his body from the small hands and realizes with a kind of horror that Kakashi _isn’t_ overreacting.

“Sakumo left on an escort mission a few hours ago. I’ll take your sensei.”

“But you’re-!”

“Pregnant, not dead. Now is he stable enough to make it to the hospital, or do I need to carry you as well to keep him alive?”

Kakashi’s ears flatten, then he steps back. “He should be okay. I think just the suddenness of it sent his body into shock. Sensei, has this happened before?”

“Not this bad.” He admits as Tefuko-san gently takes him from the kid and hoists him up into a princess carry. Then loses his breath as he’s yanked through the roughest shunshin he’s had the displeasure of experiencing since… _oh, yeah, since the last time he had to hitch a ride with an Akamichi_.  Tefuko-san fits in so well with the Hatake, that it’s easy to forget she’s half Akamichi, despite her looks.

 _“MEDIC! NOW!”_ Tefuko-san bellows, making him wince, and then he’s being handed over to alarmed medics. “My son had to restart his heart and lungs twice. Symptoms of chakra exhaustion. Check with the medic of the team who brought him back. He should have had at least one milder instance happen before this. They might know the cause.”

Akio opens his mouth to tell them he’s well aware of the cause, but an oxygen mask is put over his mouth and nose before he can speak. Resigned, he lifts his hands to sign, _‘Chakra poison. Long term exposure, multiple doses, probable overdose.’_

The medic who notices gives him a hard look, probably for knowing the medical sign, but he could care less. _So what if he learned medical sign so he could communicate with his medics better? Everyone should. He doesn’t get this nonsense of looking down on medics._

~

Orochimaru is in the middle of teaching class when Kakashi bursts in, followed by a disgruntled looking Eio.

“Orochimaru sensei! Your presence is needed at the hospital.”

He raises a brow, because _that_ is extremely rare, and he suspects that the ‘needed’ is the boy’s own judgement. “Is that so?”

Kakashi nods, but signs _‘Please?’_

“Very well.” He closes his text and sets the chalk down. “Class, you are on self-study for the day. I expect you to have memorized the next three chapters by next time, or you will be assigned extra reading. Use your time well.”

They won’t, of course, and he’ll take great pleasure in assigning them extra work. His job as a teacher isn’t to make things _easy_ for his students, it’s to make them _learn_.

“Tell me what occurred.” He demands as they hurry towards the hospital.

“Akio sensei came back. He was fine, then his chakra just _stopped_ and I had to use medical chakra to restart his heart and lungs twice because his body was shutting down from the shock. He says it’s happened before, just not as bad. Tefuko kaa-san shunshinned him to the hospital.”

“You think it has something to do with the chakra poison your team was dosed with?”

“I don’t _know._ But you and Tsunade-sama are the only ones good enough to figure it out, and the hospital will call her in if she’s not already there. And she might need your help.”

“So you called me out of class on the _possibility_ that I might be needed as _backup_ for Tsunade? Over something I would’ve been informed of _after_ classes were finished?”

“Well, she’s the medic. But you’re the researcher. They’ve delivered any poison samples to your lab, right?” Kakashi says in a reasonable tone.

Amusement curls Orochimaru’s lips. “Indeed. Go home, brat, and rest like you’re supposed to be doing.” He glances at the wolf loping easily beside them. “Make sure he does. I need to make a stop at my lab and read some reports if I’m going to be useful.”

Kakashi squawks and flails as Eio nabs the back of his shirt and starts carrying him home. “I can walk! I’m just fine! I’ll go home, just put me down!”

Eio shakes the boy warningly and keeps carrying him like an errant pup.

The boy droops in resignation. “This is not fair! I’m a shinobi, you know!”

Orochimaru smirks to himself and turns towards his lab, hastening his pace.

~

Tsunade is already there by the time he arrives at the hospital, but that’s no surprise. She is standing over Akio with a hand glowing green pressed against his chest, frowning. With a hiss, she draws her hand away, shaking it. “Annnd back again. Dammit, that stings.” She blows a stray hair back and looks up at him. “It’s like his chakra is hiccupping, causing cardiopulmonary arrest, and it’s getting worse. He’s had two episodes since they brought him in. Normally we’d use shock paddles, but it’s the sudden lack of chakra causing it, so stimulating the affected organs is the best treatment we have in this instance. But there’s nothing in his system causing it that I can tell. At this rate he’s going to be braindead because a nurse turned her back for a few seconds before we can find a treatment to stabilize him.”

“Could it be withdrawal?” Orochimaru offers the folder he brought. “The basic breakdown of the chakra poison samples is the first page. I have my lab working on a more in-depth analysis right now.”

Tsunade snatches it. “Monitor him while I read.”

“Of course.” He acknowledges, placing his own hand on the man’s chest. _Such an interesting case. And he really doesn’t want to get punched through a wall for negligence if Tsunade’s patience worsens._

After a couple moments, she curses and leans out the door to order 3ccs of one of the component ingredients.

“Are you sure that’s wise?” He asks. “That’s the most dangerous one.”

“Tch. I don’t intend to give him all of it unless a smaller amount doesn’t work to stabilize him, but it’s the only one I can see causing such a withdrawal reaction.”

He nods, because he can’t argue that, and watches her pace while she continues reading.

Suddenly she stops leafing through the folder to stare at him. “The team medic reported that he had burned out chakra suppressing shackles on him when they found him. In your professional opinion, how likely is that to have affected his condition?”

Orochimaru raises his brows, then considers, taking his time to assess the odd deviations in the patient’s chakra circulation. “I believe that would account for the abnormalities in his chakra circulation, yes. However, in my opinion, it would not be wise to place chakra suppressants on him as a treatment, as it is likely to perpetuate and worsen his condition.”

She nods sharply and returns to reading and pacing.

It has long been his observation that Tsunade is able to speed her information assimilation rate and thought process by pacing and as always, it’s oddly fascinating to watch. Quite the opposite of his own method of going still if he needs to process a particularly complicated thought or hypothesis. Even more odd, of course, is that Jiraiya’s method more parallels his own than Tsunade’s, despite being an idiot. Though in Jiraiya’s case, it’s probably more a matter of losing actual thought in his empty head if he moves too quickly. Truly, it’s amazing that the idiot ever managed to make enough sealing theory stick to become a renowned seal master. And no surprise at all that he is sadly inferior with them in comparison to Minato and Kushina, despite being Minato’s teacher.

Orochimaru twitches as Akio’s chakra disappears abruptly under his hand, and smoothly channels a trickle of medical chakra to his heart and lungs before they can seize and go into arrest again. Not that he doubted her judgement, but Tsunade’s willingness to take such a risk makes far more sense now. Given the time frame required to read and bring the notes to the hospital, this attack is far closer than the previous one. Of course he knows Tsunade is unlikely to exaggerate medical matters, but it’s easy to forget when working with those less meticulous in their words.

After a long moment, she gives him a sharp look. “How is he?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “Hiccupped again, but I’m keeping him stable. He’ll be fine until the drug gets here.”

Tsunade’s mouth tightens, then she sighs. “Thank you for volunteering your time with this, Orochimaru. I know how busy you are.”

Orochimaru snorts. “You say that like the little oracle brat didn’t drag me out of the middle of my class as _backup_ for you.”

She blinks at him, then snickers. “Only you, Orochimaru. Only you would be offended by that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note-y things to maybe be added, if something occurs to me.


	14. In-village snips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tefuko is annoyed, Akio is defensive of his coffee, Kakashi has _issues._ And the baby is born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited. Feel free to point out typos.  
> There's approximately 2-3 months between the next to last scene (Kakashi's pov) and the last scene (Poemu's pov).  
>  **Also:** Ena should be about 2yrs old now, if my math is working, and able to talk, though she's not as talkative as say...Pakkun or Eio. Speaking of which, I did mean to have Pakkun show up and should probably do that sometime in the near future.

Tefuko is currently experiencing the urge to strangle someone. Not that her stepson isn’t adorable, of course, but _there is a limit_ to hovering over her like she’s breakable. While it’s _nice_ that he’s willing to massage her feet when they hurt, cheerfully run errands, or relentlessly track down odd food items to satisfy her pregnancy cravings, she’s only _pregnant_ , not on the verge of death. He even has his teammates in on the act. It’s ridiculous.

Her only consolation for this is that Kakashi is splitting his time between hovering over her and hovering over his sensei, and Poemu and Ume are a lot more easygoing about the whole thing. For a given value of Poemu refusing to let her carry anything over ten pounds and Ume being enthusiastic at her. At least she can just sit on Sakumo when he gets overbearing. Which he _is_ off and on, because he’s twitchy about not being let out of the village until those crazy _‘real humans don’t have animal ears’_ slaver ring and their associates are properly cleaned up. Not even _she_ trusts him to not lose it if he happens across one. Or thinks he has.

“I’d offer you my coffee, but I think Kakashi would murder me if I tried.” Akio sensei observes.

She winces. Her expression must be downright murderous if _Akio_ of all people has noticed before finishing his second flask of coffee. And is offering to share. Or ‘not-offering’, she supposes. “Hasn’t the hospital cleared you to move back to your own apartment yet?”

The poor man had been practically forced to move in with them to begin with, since he needed someone capable of keeping him into systemic failure if his chakra glitched again. Which it had, off and on, despite the medication. Particularly when they tried to reduce the dosage. Not _total_ chakra failure with the medication, according to Kakashi, but serious enough to do some serious damage if left untreated for more than a few seconds.

“They tried. Kakashi threw a fit.” Akio replies glumly. “Then he pulled out the teary puppy eyes and Eio decided to put a paw in and back him up. Sorry, you’re stuck with me for another month.”

Tefuko shrugs. “I don’t mind feeding one more. You’re no trouble. Where are the kids?”

“Sent them off on D ranks, since _Kakashi_ got cleared to do low-level missions again. I got a lecture on how much I’m supposed to hover over you. I think. And something about an appointment?”

Her mouth twitches upwards in amusement. “Just a prenatal appointment at the hospital. He _must_ be excited if he’s willing to leave me alone with just you as an escort. Sakumo’s on wall duty.”

Akio looks momentarily amused. “I think Poemu threatened him, quite honestly. Wasn’t paying attention, though. Can I bring my coffee?”

Come to think of it, it’s rather late for Akio to still be drinking coffee to wake up. Kakashi probably dragged the poor man to _their_ appointment sans coffee. Granted, she _is_ aware that the man would happily drink coffee all day given half a chance, but he usually doesn’t go out of his way to bother getting it except in the morning. And she’s pretty sure there are not many people stupid enough to try prying his coffee away from him; tangling with a grumpy wolverine is _just asking_ for a spectacular set of scars. At best. Even though he’s actually making it clear that he’s _willing_ to if he _needs_ to in this instance, it’s really _not_ necessary and would probably be counterproductive, because he’s likely to be sulky all day if he has to wait until his coffee is long-cooled to finish it.

“Of course you may. Although it’s another hour and a half until my appointment, still.” She points out. _So what_ if he makes himself more? Probably _just about everyone_ would rather deal with him overcaffeinated than undercaffeinated.

~

Except Orochimaru, perhaps, who pauses as he passes them in the street. “That best not be your _third_ coffee today, Akio.”

“It’s my second.” Akio says gruffly, but a little too quickly.

“That had better be the case, unless you want Tsunade to restrict you to one a day so you don’t wash the medication out of your system too fast.” Orochimaru informs him, obviously entirely unconvinced.

Akio clutches his coffee flask a bit closer.

Taking pity on him, she offers, “It’s only the second one I’ve seen him with today.”

This is mendacious at best, of course, because she’s fully aware that he had one before she saw him this morning. It’s obvious by the flicker of amusement in Orochimaru’s eyes that he sees right through this, but he doesn’t call her on it, merely nods and continues on his way.

“You are a goddess.” Akio informs her with a fervency he usually reserves for his first few sips of morning coffee. “Marry me?”

Tefuko laughs. “I think Sakumo and Kakashi might object.”

He shudders. “Never mind, then. Sakumo I could handle, but Kakashi and his minions? Once was enough.”

 _Well, there’s obviously a story there._ She wonders if she can bribe it out of him with coffee later on, or if Kakashi will talk in exchange for eggplant.

Tsunade, of course, is Tefuko’s doctor. _If only because the other one requested to have Tefuko’s case transferred over after having to deal with an anxious Kakashi twice._

She doesn’t even bother asking about which number coffee flask it is, just takes one look at Akio and glowers. _“Do. Not._ Make a habit of that. I’ll let you off this time, because having to deal with Kakashi’s attachment issues on half a cup of hospital coffee is cruel and unusual punishment and deserves _some_ reward. Now make yourself useful by standing out of the way.”

Akio flinches and slinks over to lean against the wall, eyeing them warily, only relaxing enough to risk opening his flask of coffee once Tsunade promptly ignores him in favor of giving Tefuko her checkup.

~

Kakashi stares at Shio, who stares back unflinchingly. _Yeah, she’s going to win this; his eyes are getting dry._ Using a subtle genjutsu to hide it, he blinks.

Shio promptly snorts. “Quit cheating, Hatake. You lose.”

 _Fuck. He forgot Naras are all but immune to genjutsu, what with their specialty in Yin chakra manipulation._ He pouts and lets go of the D rank job slip reluctantly. “Fine.”

She smirks at him, slides it over to the chunin on desk duty, who dutifully records that Shio’s team gets the mission. _Nara gloating is so annoying, since it’s hard to reply to unsaid remarks._ Then she offers, “There _are_ a few in-village C ranks. You should take those instead of fighting with recent Academy graduates for D ranks.”

He blinks. “Since when?”

Shio’s expression turns thoughtful. “I think your sensei said something to Sandaime-sama.”

 _Okay, now he’s baffled._ “When, though? Akio sensei hasn’t been near the Hokage Tower, and Sandaime-sama hasn’t come to visit or anything.”

She shrugs. “He stopped me a couple weeks ago and asked me to take him a letter. Sandaime-sama giggled when he read it, then went pale for a second and muttered something that sounded like ‘Hatakes’ and started smoking his pipe before he remembered to tell me a reply wasn’t needed. They started up the C rank in-village thing the next day.

Kakashi stares at her blankly for a moment, then realizes it was probably referencing their genin test, and represses a giggle.

He doesn’t realize how closely Shio’s watching his face, though, until she crosses her arms. “Spill. What did you do to your jounin sensei?”

“Maa, maa…” _Why are Naras so ridiculously smart again?_ He scratches his head sheepishly, then admits, “It’s not our fault. He told us we had to catch him three times to pass the genin test. It’s not like we expected our pranks and traps to work on a jounin, you know.”

“Kakashi-kun, you’re terrible at sounding innocent.” Ume puts in, making him twitch. “We only had _one_ backup trap if he didn’t fall for those, because you said a retired jounin would walk right into those because he underestimated us.”

“Spoilsport.” Kakashi droops in defeat. “You’re not supposed to just _admit_ to it, Ume. Letting people draw their own conclusions is so much more fun.”       

Ume just rolls her eyes at him, and shoves Shio’s squabbling teammates towards the door. “If you want to play games with a Nara, do it over shogi. Shio-chan and minions have their mission now so they can _leave,_ so we can get one now.”

Kakashi sulks visibly when Shio smirks at him again and ambles towards the door after her oblivious teammates.

“I got one of the in-village C ranks.” Poemu says quietly, because he’s efficient like that and the best teammate _ever_ , and has _absolutely_ made his d- “It’s babysitting sick orphans.”

 _Worst. Teammate. Ever._ “What? No! Why sick ones? What if we bring something back to kaa-san and Akio sensei? It could-!”

Ume rolls her eyes again and drags him towards the door where Eio is waiting patiently. “Give it a rest, Kakashi-kun. Obviously they gave it to us so you can practice your medic skills.”

“But- But-!”

“You’re going to be hated if you don’t stop hovering over them so much.” Poemu points out. “Sensei’s issue is his chakra regulation, _not_ his body. And we all know you’d drag your kaa-san directly to Tsunade-sama and probably Orochimaru-sama too, if she got so much as a sniffle.”

Ena yips in agreement.

“Separation anxiety, pup.” Eio reminds him pointedly of this morning’s fiasco and resultant diagnosis. “You can’t let it rule you.”

“Ugh. Everyone’s against me.” He whines.

“Do you need me to carry you, pup?” Eio asks warningly.

He slouches further into his gloom. “No.”

~

_Approximately 6 months after Kakashi escapes and his team is rescued by the temporary coalition of Suna-Iwa-Konoha…  
Konoha Hospital, maternity ward…_

Poemu raises a brow as Sakumo Hatake rushes past him without a glance, but doesn’t pause in idly petting Kakashi’s stupidly soft hair. Ume skids to a halt beside him.

“Why’s Kakashi-kun out here? I thought he was helping?”

_More like he insisted on helping so much that everyone finally allowed that he could help with pain regulation for Tefuko when the time finally came._

He snorts. “Well, he was. Until he made the mistake of looking, saw blood and promptly fainted. At that point the nurses kicked us out here. He hasn’t woken up yet. Where are the dogs?”

Ume flops in the chair beside him. “Eio and Ena went off to train. Something about having pups is natural and unwanted parties. Maybe they’re planning a surprise party?”

“More likely he thought the hospital wouldn’t want canines inside unless they’re in need of treatment. We already have a baby shower planned, remember?”

“Oh. I was wondering.”

Ume’s serrow ears twitch at something, then both of them wince at another spate of cursing from Tefuko becomes audible.

“Ah. I’ll bet he forgot to reinforce his hand with chakra before Tefuko squeezed it.” Poemu guesses. “She almost broke mine before Kakashi reminded me I should do that.”

“Huh. So that’s why he made that funny sound.” Ume relaxes. “Wow. I didn’t know she _knew_ words like that. I’ve never heard about half of them, but I’m guessing those aren’t any nicer than the ones I do recognize.”

“Unlikely.” He agrees. _If he said the ones he recognizes at home, his kaa-san would be very much **not amused,** so the others are probably worse._

_6 hours later…_

A tired looking Orochimaru wanders out of the delivery room, pulling off his mask and gloves.

Kakashi stirs from his slump and stares at him with a slightly manic look in his eyes.

Orochimaru sighs and scowls at him. “Congratulations. Ikuma Hatake is a healthy baby boy of 7 lbs, 8 oz. You’re an aniki, now. And _no,_ I _won’t_ be his pediatrician, you brat. And, yes, you can go in now.”

The man smirks as Kakashi rushes past him, and Poemu rolls his eyes and nudges Ume awake.

“Nnngh?”

“Baby’s born. Let’s go see it and then go tell sensei that he can quit hiding from Kakashi now.”

“M’kay.”

_If they’re lucky, Sandaime-sama will give their team some missions out of the village now, so they won’t have to convince Kakashi that bringing his baby brother to team training and on missions is an acceptable way to hover over one’s younger sibling._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caffeine is a diuretic as well as a stimulant, so _occasionally_ doctors restrict intake or tell you not to drink any while you’re on certain medications. Headcanon that Akio’s rather dangerous medicine is having to be reduced in extremely tiny amounts at a time, because his body is being persnickety about it, so exceeding his normal intake of coffee is somewhat hazardous while he’s still on it because it could fuck up the amount-balance of it within his body. Tsunade and Orochimaru aren’t too concerned about it _at the moment_ , because while they’ve prescribed a lower dosage at the appointment/checkup earlier in the day, Orochimaru has to personally concoct the dosages for Akio because the amount needs to be so precise and he hasn’t had time to do that yet, so Akio’s got a bit to spare in his system for a couple days.
> 
> Yes, Akio’s talking about the genin test he gave them and came out of the worse for. Haha. And that’s absolutely what he reminded the Hokage of as persuasion to make some in-village C ranks for his team of terrors.
> 
> Shio Nara- If you recall, a ‘Nara girl’ was one of the other students who got tossed out of Orochimaru’s supplemental classes, because she actually knew what she was supposed to know for her grade level. That’s Shio. Her male teammates tend to squabble nonstop and just let her be the spokesperson and leader for day to day stuffs and speaking with clients. One of them is the Kurama clan boy who was also punted out of Oro’s classes. _(Both of them got pushed forward to early graduation, just not quite as fast as Kakashi and Poemu. So did the Uchiha girl, but she got placed on a different team. They’re a year older, so about 9yrs to Kakashi and Poemu’s current 8yrs and Ume’s current 14yrs.)_ The other is 12yrs, the last place student from the class they graduated with.
> 
> Before you ask, no, Obito, Rin and Gai have not graduated yet. Without the 3rd Ninja War happening, graduation ages aren’t being pushed up for most kids. Obito and Rin graduated at 9yrs old, and the average graduation for that time period seems to be 9-10yrs. So without the war, I’m pushing them back a bit. (I _think_ they’re about 2yrs older than Kakashi.) If we go off of Kakashi’s insults and Kishi’s fondness of repeating situations, Obito was probably the last place student in his year, while Rin was first place kunoichi. With Orochimaru in the mix, Obito’s probably not graduating early _at all_. Rin…I’m really not sure if she’d be moved up, or if she’d stay in the same year as Obito by way of refusing promotion tests. Any thoughts on it?  
>  Gai, though, graduated early, at 7yrs, which is… _interesting_ , for lack of a better word. I believe he’d still have the motivation to graduate early; though, again, no war happening and Oro’s classes in the mix. So I’ll be having him graduate with the next class, I think.
> 
> Yes, Ume was sent off with Eio to fetch Sakumo.  
> No, Akio isn’t there. Happily (for him) he’s moved back to his own place at this point. He deposited Tefuko at the hospital and _noped_ out of there.
> 
> Ikuma Hatake- Ikuma is written as: 育 (iku) meaning "bring up, grow up, raise, rear" and 満 (ma) meaning "full, fullness, enough, satisfy". Sakumo’s gotta have his name jokes, after all.  
>  _Why a boy?_ No particular reason. I asked a writing bot for a random pick and that was the answer I got.  
>  _Why that weight?_ Because Tefuko’s age and weight is (probably) more typical of modern 1 st time US mothers than 1st time US mothers surveyed 50yrs ago, and Akamichi genetics run larger than average, so I imagine they’d have big babies, even if the baby was only a quarter Akamichi. Other than that? Random pick of birthweight based on not wanting to make it too difficult on her. Yes, it’s probably not the result I’d come up with if I specifically used Asians as a reference, but I’m too lazy to do that, so. Just hand wave it, please. (You can imagine his birthweight differently if it makes you more comfortable.)
> 
> Poemu is extremely surprised when Kakashi does _not_ try the _‘taking baby to team training or on missions’_ thing. Fortunately for all involved, he _does_ remember that one keeps babies away from such things. Just wait until Ikuma turns two, though… XD


End file.
